Wednesday, November 24, 2010

How secret are my confessions?

This is a problem I'm sure all anonymous bloggers have: how anonymous am I? Who is that I don't want reading this?  Am I writing something I should be ashamed of if caught?

In my case, I would not like my husband reading this.  The anonymity makes it easier for me to get my feelings out.  Plus, since my name is not associated with the writing, I can use this as a therapeutic tool and not worry about the quality of the writing as much.  Attaching my name would give me instant writer's block.

In the beginning, when I was getting my head together and figuring out this new vocabulary, I said negative things about our situation.  But I also mention frequently that my husband is my best friend and a fantastic person. This blog is my outlet, and it keeps me from being mean to him when I'm feeling down.  So, does that cancel out the meanness in my posts?

I'd be heartbroken if he found this and felt bad (especially over issues we've worked through).  People have started commenting, and I feel like this blog may be accomplishing its purpose-- I wish I could tell him about it!  On some down days, people's comments have really perked me up and made me feel like, at least online, I am a positive force.  But I can't just say, "Hey, I started a blog, you can't read it, but it's a good thing".  It's natural to have some little secrets for yourself, but that's an implicit rule.  It defeats the purpose to tell your significant other, "I have a big secret I can't tell you!" and leave it.  

But it is also hard to keep it anonymous.  I do things I'm proud of, that I'd like to include in my blog.  I write about possibly losing my identity? I can't even talk about that identity!  I'm afraid he'll connect me to this, or vice versa.  Luckily, he hasn't seemed to interested in "trailing spouse" issues or reading any of Robin Pascoe's books (though I've suggested he might peruse one)*.  I started finding resources for this blog by reading lots of new scientist blogs, and we've started to overlap a little on that.  But what are the odds?

Other anonymous bloggers who came out, what made you finally do it?  

Deep down, I don't want to keep this a secret from him. Truthfully, I'd like secrets a whole lot better if you didn't have to keep them to yourself.  I'm not terribly mysterious.

*Why am I always reading little books here and there about relationship issues and he isn't? Blargh.


  1. I blog with my name out there and lots of times the blog has to do with what's happening in my family and frustrations that may come as a result. There is a certain degree of vulnerability that I have to embrace when my blog touches onto some private issues (even if it only has to do with my own inner sense of things). But I think vulnerability is authentic and authenticity is what attracts people. So I think that if your blog shows your vulnerability in an authentic way, your husband will see just that -- your authenticity.

    It sounds like the "hiding" isn't working for you and that it's making you feel bad about yourself. And it also sounds like this "hiding" offers you something. What does it offer you? How important is that to you?

    As an example, these are my most vulnerable posts:


  2. Thank you for your advice, and this new resource! That first post gave me a lot to think about today. Especially about the idea of masculine/feminine characteristics and ways of operating, and which of those sets get more respect and are seen as the default mode of success.

    You've also convinced me that I need to come out of hiding.


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