Hyperbole and a Half > A Christmas Story

A Christmas Story is my family's go-to holiday movie, and at 28, I'm pretty sick of it.  One year I read In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash by Jean Shepherd, which only made watching the movie worse (give him a try, stuff's pretty funny).  The best part about the movie is that my dad loves it, and it's good to see him laugh.  Usually when he laughs it is at the expense of someone else, which is hilarious when it's not me. We even got him a leg lamp a few years ago, which is ironically, stuck in a bedroom no one uses, away from the window.  You can get a leg lamp at leglamps.com.  I'm not kidding.

Not as funny at $99.99

Luckily, we don't watch It's a Wonderful Life or The Santa Claus.  We'll usually end up watching some horrible but entertaining action movie like Transformers.  I'm going to lobby heavily for The Day After Tomorrow which is my FAVORITE movie ever (tying close with Super Troopers).  I'm usually pretty Christmas'd out by the 20th, so Christmas Day is for sleeping, eating and watching stupid movies.   For your internetting pleasure, here's a scene from Super Troopers, with Jim Gaffigan (of Hot Pocket fame):

So, what am I getting at, other than just wasting time at work?  I have decided that Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half needs a movie deal (or some money, whatever, she's awesome) to make a live-action version of her comic-story "The Year Kenny Loggins Ruined Christmas".  I want this to be our new family xmas movie, to supplant Ralphie and the Bumpuses' dogs.  This excellent installment tells the story of a young Brosh re-imagining the birth of Christ with the help of her drunken family, because the original story and typical play are plain boring.  

I'm not going to post any more than this, because I don't want to deprive you of the joy and weeping and gagging that I experienced reading this comic.  Hell, even my parents liked it, and they enjoy stuff like Everybody Loves Raymond*.

*And that is a story for another day.

Hungover pre-birthday edition

Oy vey. I thought I was feeling bad from doing too much fine detail on some projects, but I now know it's last night's merriment.  I don't go out much anymore, but events are conspiring to make this a very social winter.  I just finished making my husband a stocking to take with us to my family's Christmas.  We usually have Christmas with his family, due to far-away relatives coming into town.  They are also super chill and don't have holiday drama.  I love that.  My family, on the other hand, is the reason I crinkle my nose when the word  "Christmas" is spoken.  They focus heavily on the "importance" of the holiday, but I can't tell what that importance is (not religion and not "being together", as someone always starts a fight).  There's also a heavy focus on gifts, which can be trying to the members who have significantly less money.  I wish that being areligious would help, but it makes no difference.  We have 3-5 nativities around the house, but no one mentions the J man.  Personally, I'd like a Christmas that is less uptight and obsessed with the idea of Christmas.  It sets a person up for stress and disappointment.

My mom called to solidify my birthday dinner plans tonight (real b-day is tomorrow).  I told her I'd just finished making a stocking for my husband, and there was a pause.  She said, "But I got him a stocking, we've used it for years."  I told her I know, but I made him one, because I'm his wife.*.  She hemmed and hawed about how that was really sweet, and how we could take it with us when we move, but she had a really weird attitude about it.  Is it weird that I wanted his stocking to be something I made or, heck, even bought? She's neither his mom or wife, so why is she being proprietary?  That is just one more facet to why I get stressed about my family's Christmas.

I think instead of Christmas, we should just have a second Halloween. And then in January, we can have Christmas, but we change all the traditions and make it less awful.  Cancel Black Friday. Tithe?  I tried to just donate money one Christmas, and a few people got huffy about it.  Seriously. I wasn't being in the spirit of the holiday for them.

At least I don't have to do three Christmases (I only have two).  Some friends are going out of the country for Christmas, a belated honeymoon, but they still have to observe the holiday separately with both families.  This is really stressful and time-consuming for them, and they see their family often anyway.  Not saying it's all moms, but the moms in these scenarios employ tactics of guilt if they don't see their children ON CHRISTMAS DAY.  And my mom doesn't care if I only stay a day, it has to be Christmas.  I can spend a whole week with my in-laws, but she doesn't care as long as I'm with her on the 25th.  Personally, I think that's pretty fucked up.

So, I'm going to try to nap this sickness off in time for an Indian feast tonight.  Sadly, I think I'm going to have to self-medicate a little before I go, just because thinking about my mom having a power play for my husband's Christmas memories is making me feel awful.  Is she going to make our future children's stockings too?

*Making a stocking isn't something I think is a wife's duty. But certainly if said wife is a crafter.