Starts and Stops

Once again, I'm feeling the drag of J's advisor halting progress.  What do you do when you can only get your advisor's attention for 15 minutes a week and they won't write your rec letters or even let you know they haven't done them yet? J's feeling pretty sheepish, as his (now) top choice asked for letters probably two weeks ago, and we're still not sure she's got them all.  He had to send her an email making sure she got them, because his letter writers won't respond to his emails about whether or not they will/have written them.  Grrr.  But-- it was the end of finals week last week, so I should have patience.  I just hate to see him get down about it.  Things got exciting for a few days and then shut down.

In other exciting news, our landlord has dropped another bomb on us.  In September, we had actual contact with him when our A/C went out and he casually told us he was thinking about using our home as leverage in a custody battle.  "I figured I'd let my wife live here rent-free, and her lease is up in June."  Yeah, only slightly horrifying.  Renters' Rights in Arkansas are pretty grim, so we had a huge garage sale and sold off maybe 1/3-1/2 of our belongings just in case he got even flakier and we got the boot.  The idea of moving and then having to move again in 6ish months was horrifying.  We decided to get lighter.

Before that  there was talk of him selling the house, which was OK since our neighbors were interested (and intent on keeping us as tenants).  That fell through when the divorce started and he never returned their calls (after they had already paid for home inspections).  J. says we're probably good because nothing moves fast and the landlord is flaky, but I don't want to count on someone being flaky in a way that is beneficial to me.

Talk is back on about him selling off his properties, and luckily the neighbors are thinking about trying to buy the house again.  I got mad at J. last week for seeming to be cavalier about our possible eviction, but he was just way too stressed/depressed by the rec letter quagmire.  Can we just get out really soon?

The current plan is finish the thesis in March, defend in April, all done by May.  And somewhere in there find a job.  I don't know what I can do at this point but be optimistic.  This blog has helped that last bit dramatically.

In happy-go-lucky news, I had a kick-ass birthday party on Friday that made me forget about my birthday blues earlier in the week.  Here are some pictures, taken by my photographer friend:

My amazing sis-in-law

I love how I look like a tarty cherub in this shot.

Our bathroom has really good light, so eventually everyone came in for some group shots.

Detail of decorations

We forgot birthday candles, so Jonathan obliged with his lighter.

My sis and her new boyfriend. It was hard to find the cutest picture, because they are disgustingly wonderful together.

All in all, it was the best party I've ever had.  My sis-in-law and best friend helped me deck the house out in pink streamers and aqua Christmas balls and decorate a corner just for photos (seen above).   There was a glitch in the karaoke system (namely a microphone and amplification) but we remedied it with a hairbrush and really enthusiastic singing.   The rest of the night was taken up with Framboise floats and photo shoots and chocolate tort.  No one got sick. No one got sad. Everyone got hugs. Then everyone went home.

Internet Anonymity? Well, hi Internet.

I haven't written a blog in a long time, and it's been quite a while since I seriously felt important enough for some free bandwidth. I'd like to hope I'm anonymous, as some of the things I'd like to talk about on this blog might hurt some people's feelings.

It does feel good to do this.

I am 27, and I hold a bachelor degree in a liberal art. It is somewhat worthless, but I have a job that pays well and doesn't put me in danger. On a day like today, I really should be so thankful for the air conditioning. I got married some years ago, and my spouse is in grad school. Ze(I'll attempt to stay gender-neutral*) are very close to finishing up a PhD and already looking for jobs. This blog is about being the one without a career path yet, married to one on zes way.

For the past few years, I've been in a limbo waiting to see if I'd be here for a while, or moving on. This limbo has caused me to make excuses about not doing things that will take a commitment and feeling resentment against my spouse. I knew what I was getting into when I said I'd follow zem everywhere. But I didn't. This was my first real relationship, one that lasted longer than the initial flares of passion and went into truly getting to know someone territory. But this wasn't a lesson that could be learned by thinking really hard about it. The reality has been hard on me.

When we got married, I was under the impression that ze was almost done. We told our relatives (somewhat jokingly) about moving to another country. My biggest problem in life has always been my fear of asking questions. The questions that would get me where I need to go and let me know where I stand. I guess I never straight-out asked how long this could take, and so I lived for years thinking "I'll be gone in 6 months". I packed boxes every once in a while. I sold boxes of books. I quit a non-work activity because I thought I couldn't commit for the term necessary. I put off looking for a better job, even though the one I had was killing me. For a while I even shied away from making new friends, thinking it wasn't worth the effort.

It wasn't until last year that my facade of faithful sidekick crumbled and I told zem all about how unhappy I was with not knowing. Ze wasn't happy about it either, and my telling zem didn't help. I knew it was my right to talk about my feelings, but I felt horrible that I'd put more pressure on zem than ze already had. (This is my first time writing with these pronouns, and I feel clunky, but I feel it's for the greater good). I had and have a right to be happy and a right to be unhappy. Playing the part of a loyal and uncomplaining spouse was a great way to go crazy. Believe me, I went a little crazy.

Advice for the "trailing" spouse (though this usually refers to a two-career household) is usually not to complain, though this is usually only directed at women. There's some truth to that, but it's only to not complain all the damn time. If you've told zem you're unhappy and why, and try to fix it or ask them to help you fix it, that is totally ok. But if you're letting zem know at every turn that they need to pick up the speed and get done already, that may be edging into some non-productive territory.

So, here I am, at a middling job, with a bachelor's degree in uselessness, married to a wonderful person who really is trying as hard as ze can.

It is a job. And I am thankful for that.

And my degree, while seemingly useless, is a stepping stone and helped me get said job.

And my spouse is my favorite person in the world.

And if I try to write down everything I've thought about for the past three years, this will be a terrible blob of a post and no one will reach the end of it before they perish.

I hope this can be a resource or a voice in the dark for other people, married or not, who need an outlet for the fear and helplessness that this situation can make you feel. I learned that it's totally ok to feel this way, but it's not ok to keep it all inside. If you can talk about it, you can figure a way out. I'm stilling digging myself out of this pit, but I could use some company.

*For a good guide to this, if you care: http://santiago.mapache.org/nonfiction/essays/zie.html

[UPDATE 1-8-11] Lots of you are coming here reading this post, but rest assured this was the first one and I've come a long way, including dropping the badly-done gender-neutral pronouns.  Thanks to Drug Monkey for the good press.