Sunday, November 7, 2010

Foot in Mouth Disease

[Rant warning-- sometimes these things need to come out]

You don't have time? Then why are you hanging out with me?  File this under graduate student marital difficulties.  Maybe I'm over-reacting, but when we're out having a good time, don't start jawing about how you should have come home sooner on the car ride back.  It makes me feel like 1) you didn't want to go in the first place (remember it was your idea, though), 2) I'm the reason you're not getting enough work done, 3) you don't have the gumption to speak up for your own time line and feel it's easier to make it seem like my fault.

It isn't.

I was under the impression that I was making a lot of choices that benefit my spouse and his future career, and that he could figure his own schedule out.  If he doesn't have time to go out, a date, come home for dinner, go grocery shopping, he should say something before instead of after the fact.  It's even worse when we were having a really good time out, and that retro-actively ruins it all. I have been planning my life around this person and he won't take responsibility for his daily schedule? Really?

This is something that has happened before.  Maybe you've gotten this impression from my blog, but I don't keep things bottled up and speak up if someone is doing me wrong.  I don't let things explode.  Since we've had this discussion before, I wish he would just realize that responding to me in a hurt voice when I'm speaking my mind at a normal inside-voice level makes me feel like some kind of monster. A monster who is working a job she hates and has her life pretty much on hold so he can pursue his dreams.  I am so scary!

I'd rather he just spend much less time with me, and save up the time he REALLY has to spend doing it in earnest, not worrying the whole time how he's going to catch up. Because that doesn't really count as being there.  Even worse, after these fights* he has to hang around the house until he feels like things are better between us, which makes me insane because the argument started because he needed to get to work. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE THEN.  I know he doesn't want to leave with bad feelings between us, but it makes me nuts!

So, I hope he gets a lot accomplished today, because my Sunday is ruined.

*Luckily, and I realize how lucky I am every day, these are the only things we fight about,  other than some tiffs over cleaning.  He has never raised his voice at me.  Once he looked angry at me, and that made me so sad.


  1. For whatever it's worth.. when I was in grad school (both rounds, yes, it's true) this was a constant struggle for me.

    I so WANTED to go out and be That Fun Girl, to be able to let go and not be bothered by work and have the confidence/gonadal fortitude* to just say "Hey, I'm not working - and that's okay. I'm allowed to take time out and be a healthy and full person. That's reasonable!"

    My experience in the sciences = you're pushed to unreasonable expectations in an unhealthy environment chock full o' dysfunctional b.s. So your major professor just doesn't feel like responding to your thesis draft? Your fault! So you want to spend an evening with your kid/husband? God, we should never let Breeders like you in this place ...

    ... and so on.

    So. Not to minimize your (valid, real, logical, reasonable) reaction/feelings. But... I read your story and I say, "shit, I was that guy." (Messed up more than zero relationships being That Guy. And left a dude I could have married because he *was* That Guy. Or maybe because his That Guy trumped my That Guy?)


    *if I said "non-gendered balls" would that sound better?

  2. Spending post-8PM nights, weekend nights, and weekend mornings is totally awesome. I always get these with no problem. It's the in-between times I can totally live without for now, so I wish he wouldn't pretend that's time he has.

    He's been really getting better about spending more time working, and I am LOVING the time to myself to be productive and do things that are just fun for me.

    I wish he would realize it's also good for him to do things that are good for *him*. And that those things are good for both of us.


Registration isn't necessary, but please don't post as "anonymous".