Friday, July 2, 2010

Who am I? How do I live?

I usually skip over feminism topics that include the word "anarchy", but this one really made me think in terms of how I saw myself in a relationship, especially when discussing control issues.  Feminism and Anarchy, a guest post on the From Austin to A&M blog, talks about the gentle coercion that happens in even the best relationships between men and women:
 Power makes property out of its object, and, in our society, women are still claimed every day without irony. As much as the poor are demonized and brushed aside, women are just as keenly judged, sought out, or pushed aside as either necessary, desirable, or neither. The laborer seeks out an equal contract with an employer with just as much disillusionment as a woman that seeks out an equal understanding with a potential partner. Regardless of each entity's mien, once behind closed doors, gentle social manipulation turns into emotional and physical coercion. Companies and employers are no more gentle with their workers than are men and women that have "won their prize" and then seek to use it for their lifelong benefit without equal consideration.
I am absolutely not saying I am a victim of physic or emotional coercion by my spouse.  He's fucking fantastic.  But do I sometimes get the niggling feeling that we both have subconscious leanings towards certain thoughts and behaviors that make true equality impossible? Yes.  That's the "gentle social manipulation" that makes me more likely to clean things up and him more likely to sit on the couch surfing on his computer while I run around.  But I can't fight it and sit down too. I'm programmed for service, in a way. And that's fucking weird.  Does he take advantage of that?  I don't think he does consciously.  But he also hasn't changed his patterns much after many many talks about equity in duties at home. 

That has changed, but not at a rate you'd expect when you tell someone that it gives you major emotional pain to think of yourself as a housewife.  Identity problems.  Depression.  I am too quick to get back in line and start the cycle all over again after these conversations, because I was raised to do all these things.  And he was raised not to see a problem.

I want to make all of this right now, when we're still on equal footing in a town we've lived in for a while.  I don't want these issues to be extra weight when we're moving to wherever he gets a job after school. To the place where I might not have a job yet, no friends, no identity.  It's going to be more important than ever.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Registration isn't necessary, but please don't post as "anonymous".