Orbiting, but not paying attention

The excitement of the possible appication has worn off, as it has not been turned in yet. The husband is waiting on a publication, but his drag-ass adviser won't finish his end of the work.  It's always just over the rise, but now I'm not excited. A bit apathetic.

I did finally get it through my head that his job isn't dependent on the academic calendar as postdocs don't generally teach. So I don't have to get nervous that as the end of the semester approaches, it puts us back another semester. I'm still trying to rid my mind of the idea that we'll be gone by next semester. That's just foolishness.

I also got to stop fretting about how I never see any listings for postdocs in his specific field. I set up google alerts a year ago, and get several emails a day to sift through for the keywords I know. There are fields I have learned to hate, from the overabundance of jobs available. One day I will meet one of these scientists, and I will have to remind myself not to pinch them.  It's not their fault ________ is totally hot right now!

So, he's pretty sure that the job he'll find (the good one) will result from letters sent directly to people working in his field. And he hasn't done that yet because he's waiting until after his latest paper is published. I want to poke people, make this thing move along.  His adviser also went to Large Fancy College a week ago and talked to some potential bosses.  Weee!

The latest ohmygod thing that's happened in our house is our landlord giving us the tactless news that he's thinking about letting someone else live in our house. Yup, we're renters. It's not a "I hate you! You painted the bathroom blue! I want new tenants!" situation.  It's not even something he's sure of. But it lit a fire under our asses and we want to know where we are.  I'd hate to have to make a move in town, then immediately out of town. It's a ways off, and hopefully we'll be gone by then, but we had a few days of SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.  The husband did see the silver lining: maybe he can use this to make his adviser move faster.

So far, not really happening.

In my own news, I have fallen off the yoga/sewing bandwagon. I feel pretty ashamed of myself for getting all hyped about sewing (my new future career!) and then quitting. I haven't quit, I just haven't had the time/space to do anything. And I think I need to take some time off from my lessons and do some independent study (saves money, too).  Now is the time of year to concentrate on a different craft: Halloween costumes. I've started mine, and it will take a while. As usual, I've offered to help everyone else with theirs.  It's my only real talent, not one that will help me in the wild, but makes me feel pretty good.  I wish I could post pictures!

The job is the same, but I'm doing a little better at standing up for myself.  I've had lots of opportunities to prove myself to be a good boss/supervisor, and some to prove I'm still a little immature.  I'm working on a manual of how to do my job, since the few procedures I inheirited aren't very fleshed out.  It's hilariously conversational, and I hope my successor actually gets it.  I wish I could leave a little "hang in there!" note. 

I've made friends with two other ladies that are in a similar position, marriage/career-wise, so it's good to see I"m not alone.  It's hard to talk about this stuff with people who aren't there (thus the blog, and my failing quest to find other like-minded bloggers) so being able to bounce ideas off of these ladies is so helpful. I'm not being pitied or misunderstood, and they don't look at me like I'm a whiner. At least not yet.  And even if it sounds terrible to say it's good to see people who are having the same problems, it is. It's good to know you're not alone, and to see how people are handling life.  Hopefully we'll all have something to teach each other.

Not trailing yet, and leading quite successfully

The start of the semester is always a terribly stressful time for me.  Most of my employees are students, some of them just coming out of high school, for some their first time job.  It's difficult juggling their school schedules against my schedule of stuff that needs to get done.  So, I've been basically working 2 jobs for the past two weeks, what I do and what they'll be able to do once they're properly trained. They're all currently in the baby bird stage, needing constant supervision and info.  And that's good. If they aren't asking questions, they're probably coasting.  No coasters so far, but damn, I am tired.

On the job front, the spouse is waiting for one job to get funding so he can officially apply, and he also got an email directly from someone associated with another postdoc telling him he should apply. In the second job, it's someone who is currently working with one of the spouse's previous colleagues, who recommended him.  Nice! But that person isn't the PI, so it may not do anything. And the spouse isn't sure the job has anything to do with his skill set. None-the-less, it's nice to be thought of!

I'm antsy of course, as fall approaches and he doesn't have any applications in, even though he's telling people he hopes to be gone by the new year.  I'm distracting myself spectacularly.  The sewing is going nicely, and I've started doing a little yoga in the mornings.  I wish I could post pictures of stuff I'm making, but that would kill my anonymity. So prepare to be eternally tantalized!  I think this is going to be a great fall.

A New Hope!

I'm back! No, I did not succumb to despair, but rather threw myself into activities that properly distract and enthuse me.  That plan is working out splendidly.

As for the job front, there was a sad lull after I found out the latest job prospect was being scrapped.  My spouse tried pretty hard to work a whole lot and spend whatever time he had with me being the sweetest ever.  A few days ago, he found a rumor about another job in NewTownX, one that he knows through some high academic muckamucks.  So, he actually emailed the professor in charge and asked about something. Took initiative!  Tested the waters! This gives me hope.   And he seems excited about the research and is just waiting to see if the position will solidify (they're currently waiting on funding, but pretty sure).  I know I shouldn't get excited, that there are other lovely, brilliant people (with lovely brilliant spouses) applying for the same thing.  I just like having something to chew on.

In my own job front, I'm bracing myself for the start of a new semester. I work on a University campus, and employ student workers.  All summer I've spent my breaks and lunches peacefully on a bench in the shade, but now that will all be obliterated by horny, loud, excited and idealistic students, lured to join various activities and groups by horrible music (also horribly un-diverse) and the grilled meats I can't eat.  No one ever remembers the vegetarians during free food week.  Except the pizza places. Thanks free pizza people.

This is the time of year where I really shine, that's really hard, and really tires me out.  All I am doing is training, training, training.  I can focus on that and power ahead, and when I don't have anything immediate to do, I don't feel guilty about seriously lazing.  I lose my voice during these weeks from so much talking.  I've got a handful of completely new people to turn into fantastic representatives of my organization.  I usually succeed at this, but I don't want to rest on my laurels.

Shout out to Alison Green of the Ask a Manager blog.  She's given me some great advice for what I'm doing now, and also about how I'm going to go about in my next job.  Reading this blog helps me remember that my job can actually be something that makes me feel good.  This may sound dorky, but I probably recommend this blog more than any other.  That may also be because I'm of the age where my peers are almost always thinking about job stuff.

So, with an end looming near, you are probably thinking that I am just winging it.  You are only sort of wrong.  It's hard for me to put in 100% for so many reasons.  But for all the things I hate about my job I love that I do what I do well, people recognize that, and we're well-known for a great training infrastructure.  I'd like to keep that reputation until far after I'm gone.

We had dinner with another couple a few days ago, who are sort of similar to our situtation.  The husband is a grad student in a close field to my own husband's, and the wife works closely with the University but not in academia.  Unlike me, she got a degree in something useful, but is looking to get into something new.  It ocurred to me last night that maybe she would be a good person to talk to about all this, so I'll update after I get in touch with her again.  This seems like a great excuse for a happy hour drink.

So, things are good.  And I don't mean for now.

Floating in space

I wrote a pretty harsh post about the husband's job search, and for some reason forgot to post.  I just got a really sweet email from him, apropos of nothing. It made me remember the hate-rant, and thank god I didn't publish it.  I know this thing is anonymous, but it still would have been wrong.  He really does love me as hard as a person can.  And likewise.

"I need to pin my hope to something new"

The Spouse heard back about his first application today: thanks, but no thanks.  In a way, this feels even better, because having applied and been rejected, he's already experienced two of the major parts of looking for a job.  Now it won't seem to scary.  He didn't seem to hurt about it, but I'll admit I felt a little sad.

But also sad because that means he doesn't have any feelers out right now.  I do NOT want to wheedle him, but I can't help but ask every few days about the application to NewTownX.  Today I asked him how long it would take to complete it, and he said not much time.  So do it!  Though that How to Help Your Spouse Finish a PhD Degree Quickly article was a little silly, it certainly stressed that it's not really nagging if you're nice about it, becasue it's your damn life, too.  Somtimes it seems the opposite of nagging is what's called for, but that opposite is self-effacement and the bottling up of your own desires.  That is just as bad in the long run.

So, I told him I was glad I knew, and that it had really made a change in my happiness (for the better) when he finally applied for something.  I also told him now that it's been rejected, he needs to get the other application in.  I told him I need to pin my hopes to something new, and that I know an application doesn't equal a job. But it means he's working at it, and really that's all I need right now. 

How to Help Your Spouse Finish a PhD Quickly

This just made me giggle. As if it's as easy as frying potatoes correctly, if you just follow the right steps. 

Don't get excited!

I ran into an old classmate/friend/colleague on Saturday visiting town.  Putting two and two together, I realized she lived very close to NewTownX.  She was really enthusiastic about it, and it was good to know if we moved there, I would at least know one person.  But I know not to get too excited about it. The application hasn't even been sent in.

I am bugging him gently but not often.  Never accusing.  Using my super-supportive voice.  He's been doing more work lately, acting more like what I imagine a soon-to-finish PhD would act like. 

I won't say I have to hide my disappointment when I come home from work and he's napping on the couch. Believe it or not, I look forward to some time by myself to do my work.  It might not be academic, but I enjoy it, and I just can't get stuff done when he's around.  Why is that?

No news yet

How long does it take for a school to tell you that you are/are not what they are looking for? I guess it's only been a few weeks, but I'm dyin'.  And the (only) other application he's been talking about isn't due for over a month. I spoke with him about sending emails to schools who are doing research in his area, but he's so reluctant.  I told him it can't hurt-- looking a little desperate for a job (and I do NOT think this looks desperate) especially in this economy can not possibly count against anyone. Especially in his field.  This isn't a cool contest.  I read some stuff about waiting for openings vs. cold-calling on the PhD Comics forum and sent the thread to him.  It didn't really move him.  Which aggitated me a little.

He is, fortunately, staying at work later. I know, a PhD who you have to cry to get them to spend time IN their office? Maybe I'm lucky.  It's kind of cute* that he thinks he's putting me out by spending time in the office, because I really do think he believes all the little time we spend together is important.

My job at the university is heavily affected by the return of the students, and I'm in full-time grimace mode right now.  At least it gives me more to do (the doldrums of this summer were driving me bonkers).

*It puts me out, though, to think that every sci-fi episode we watch at night is one more 44-minute chunk of life we could have been closer to moving on.  I am afraid to do the math.


p.s. I do not hate my dog. But I come close. She looks like this poor little guy:

One more thing to worry about

Here is where I lose what few readers I have. I have a dog.  But I do not want to own a dog.

We got the dog when there were more people who pledged to take care of it. They left, now we're left with a dog who looks cute but has so many social/emotional problems and seemingly small physical problems that add up to a whole lotta money.  I know I'd never be able to forgive myself for taking an animal back to the shelter (even after almost 5 years!) but the husband loves it so, so, so much.  The dog reminds me often that I am not sure I want children.

How does this have to do with the blog? Other than sharing a "whining" tag? Like an infant, the dog has killed our nightlife, weekend trips, day trips, everything.  We have very few people who can watch the dog because it has so many things that may go wrong, and we can't afford to board too much.  I've always wanted a fence to leave the dog in (and maybe a hole in the fence? with a trail of cheese leading far, far away?) but we thought we wouldn't be around very long.  And building a fence is a committment! And then winter would approach, so what was the point of building it now? And another 6 months would pass, and we'd still be shackled to man's best friend.  This was not my best friend.

There was a nice day in spring, a neighbor had some fencing material, and over a period of a week, we got a makeshift fence up.  I was elated.  We could leave the house for more than three hours.  My husband wouldn't be shackled to the couch to do his research. Maybe we could save the money we spent each week for her "social day" at the dog place.  I thought maybe we could have the romantic little day trips we used to enjoy so much when we first got together. 

But she was itchy, so the vet gave her a shot and I spent a day mowing, clearing brush, spraying the yard, etc.  Still itchy. More baths, more shots, now some antibiotics, more spraying, more trips to Lowe's for pesticides (that I NEVER in my life thought I would buy), more bald spots and infections.

So, I'm looking forward to going home to the new bald spot and constantly scratching dog, and in a few days I'll probably have to take her to the vet after work and drop $60 on a visit and some pills. Should I buy some more pesticide to spray? Or should I just tear down the fence with my bare hands and have a breakdown?

[UPDATE] I have taken a deep breath, and am looking forward to my sewing class.  It's all I can do.

"I think you'll really love NewTownX"

Yesterday, after too much time by myself in my dismal job, and too much time spent navel-gazing, I had a serious case of the blues as I walked home. I got in the door, saw my husband sleeping on the couch (when I left, he was sleeping in the bed) and went straight to the bedroom and got in my cocoon. By the time he woke up and realized I'd gotten home, I couldn't even verbalize why I was so sad.

I just told him I was sad, and I needed some love and attention. Not in a guilting kind of way, just being honest. He cuddled me for a while, until I could start to make words. Anxiety, identity, it all came out in civil words for once. I asked him if he had any other applications he was planning on sending in. He told me about a job in NewTownX.

The title of the post is the first thing he said about it, before he even described the job. He said I'd love it, and got on Google Maps to show me where it was, and how far away from places I was familiar with. He's been there before for a summer job, so he knows the good stuff and some of the bad.

We spent the night eating pizza and cuddling into each other as hard as a human can cuddle. He explained the job to me, and we looked at the website. I felt tired from so much worry, and though he hasn't actually applied yet, the plan gives me some relief.

In the spirit of Asking Questions, I asked how many postdocs he thought he'd do before trying to land a tenure track (TT) position.  He said, hopefully one, maybe two.  I asked him if he'd kindly move his mobile office (on the couch) back into his actual office.  He said he would, but when I get home today we'll see.  It's for the best, and will help my sanity to have a place to sit, but it's an ugly couch and he makes the sight of it more bearable.