Meaning, traveling spouse. Oh yes, we threw confetti and buried the bedraggled corpse of the trailing spouse, parades were had, but traveling spouse has something to say: she's not who we think she she is.
I don't know why I didn't make the connection between traveling with your spouse and a spouse who has a job that requires lots of travel. Do I need to change the name of my blog again? Or can we beat the other team! Now that I'm looking at it, Secret Confessions of a Traveling Spouse sounds like an erotic journal of adultery on the road. I'm sure that would get me better pageviews, but not exactly what I was going for when I created this blog.
Every once in a while, I do some googling to see if anyone can find me yet. (The answer is no.) I went through 20 pages of google results and found nothing leading directly to this site. Fortunately, out there in the far un-optimized reaches, I did find a few blogs and some good resources and articles. Feast your eyes!:
"My life as a trailing spouse" - Good narrative from women's perspective
CNN article about couples emphasizing husband's career
Male Trailing Spouse of Philharmonic performer -- sounds just terrible
Experience Project - I am a trailing spouse (lots of stories)
Trailing Geek (trailing husband) (blog roll has lots of similarity to mine) (trailing husband)
There were more, but mostly expat stuff or boring rehashed stuff about the negatives. I'm still searching for someone like me. So far A Mathematician's Wife is the closest, though she's not nearly as neurotic as me.
Showing posts with label new words. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new words. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, November 29, 2010
The results are in! Down with Trailing, Up with Traveling!
The results of my highly scientific and well-read poll are in:
First Place: Traveling Spouse
Second Place: Sidecar
Honorable Mention: Accompanying Spouse
Granted, there were only 9 votes. I've now changed my blog title. Unfortunately, "trailing spouse" is still the go-to keyword in searches.
Good news too! My husband wrote three letters to researches in his field, and is having his advisor help him fine-tune them. That means this week, there will the THREE irons in our fire, and I am so happy about it. He seems way more upbeat than usual, and that makes the whole house brighter. Where, you may ask? Well, I won't get too specific, but France, Wisconsin and Ohio. I've only been to one of these places, and it was at a rest stop (no, it wasn't France).
My boss is gone the first two days of this week, and though that may seem like time to drool on my keyboard, I got a few hours of major stuff done this morning. I'm hoping to have enough stuff done while she's gone to make her ok with the fact that she had to come back.
Only two days left in November! December is my birthday month, as well as my father's. I make a big to-do about my birthday. My excuse is that so many people don't care about their birthday, so their latent birthday excitement is pulled into mine by it's strong gravitational pull. I've got a dress to wear, but for some reason beyond me my heart is asking for a tiara. I am going to honor that need.
First Place: Traveling Spouse
Second Place: Sidecar
Honorable Mention: Accompanying Spouse
Granted, there were only 9 votes. I've now changed my blog title. Unfortunately, "trailing spouse" is still the go-to keyword in searches.
Good news too! My husband wrote three letters to researches in his field, and is having his advisor help him fine-tune them. That means this week, there will the THREE irons in our fire, and I am so happy about it. He seems way more upbeat than usual, and that makes the whole house brighter. Where, you may ask? Well, I won't get too specific, but France, Wisconsin and Ohio. I've only been to one of these places, and it was at a rest stop (no, it wasn't France).
My boss is gone the first two days of this week, and though that may seem like time to drool on my keyboard, I got a few hours of major stuff done this morning. I'm hoping to have enough stuff done while she's gone to make her ok with the fact that she had to come back.
Only two days left in November! December is my birthday month, as well as my father's. I make a big to-do about my birthday. My excuse is that so many people don't care about their birthday, so their latent birthday excitement is pulled into mine by it's strong gravitational pull. I've got a dress to wear, but for some reason beyond me my heart is asking for a tiara. I am going to honor that need.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Why does the trailing/ following/ accompanying/ traveling situation even need a name?
Alanpaul*, from the comments of Traveling Spouse!:
"Trailing spouse" is absolutely a horrid term. I've just already renamed my blog twice, and it took me a long time on the internet to even find that one term, so horrid as it is, it's a keyword beacon for other frustrated souls.
I think there's more problems in not naming it. Before I came across these terms, I felt very alone that had all these thoughts/feelings about my identity if I leave my job/town and go somewhere with my spouse once he gets his post-doc job. Once I found the term "trailing spouse", even after recoiling at the name, it felt good to know that I wasn't imagining things. Like when I found out "lie bumps" were just inflamed taste buds, not tongue cancer.
If there's not a word for it, and it's mostly women who are in this position then we're implicitly saying that it's just a normal female role. "Why give it a name? Isn't that what you're supposed to do?" And even though the "you" in this situation could be male or female, if it was mostly men, there'd be less demeaning name.
Betty Friedan opened the door for a more comprehensive vocabulary about these issues in The Feminine Mystique, where she wrote about "The Problem That Has No Name" (women's ennui with traditional feminine roles). Hello Feminism! I can't imagine what it felt like to read those words back in the 60s. As a twenty-something in 2010, I am conscious of the long road we still have to travel as women, but cannot even pretend to know what it was like for my grandmothers, or my mother. And I thank them for saving me from those experiences. And so, when I hear that differentiation isn't necessary, I would rather err on the side of too many names than not enough.
I hope this post doesn't come off as too aggressive, but I am a fan of words, and an obnoxious baby feminist to boot. I'm sure reading one or two posts made that last point obvious. I still can't believe anyone is even reading this.
*I've linked to a post he wrote about his work/life/marriage situation. Good to hear from a male perspective on this! He is now on my blog roll! (and I know he's just thrilled).
I don't see why we can't just say husband or wife. If one spouse works and the other does not in an on-expat setting, they don't need to be differentiated to this degree.
"Trailing spouse" is absolutely a horrid term. I've just already renamed my blog twice, and it took me a long time on the internet to even find that one term, so horrid as it is, it's a keyword beacon for other frustrated souls.
I think there's more problems in not naming it. Before I came across these terms, I felt very alone that had all these thoughts/feelings about my identity if I leave my job/town and go somewhere with my spouse once he gets his post-doc job. Once I found the term "trailing spouse", even after recoiling at the name, it felt good to know that I wasn't imagining things. Like when I found out "lie bumps" were just inflamed taste buds, not tongue cancer.
If there's not a word for it, and it's mostly women who are in this position then we're implicitly saying that it's just a normal female role. "Why give it a name? Isn't that what you're supposed to do?" And even though the "you" in this situation could be male or female, if it was mostly men, there'd be less demeaning name.
Betty Friedan opened the door for a more comprehensive vocabulary about these issues in The Feminine Mystique, where she wrote about "The Problem That Has No Name" (women's ennui with traditional feminine roles). Hello Feminism! I can't imagine what it felt like to read those words back in the 60s. As a twenty-something in 2010, I am conscious of the long road we still have to travel as women, but cannot even pretend to know what it was like for my grandmothers, or my mother. And I thank them for saving me from those experiences. And so, when I hear that differentiation isn't necessary, I would rather err on the side of too many names than not enough.
I hope this post doesn't come off as too aggressive, but I am a fan of words, and an obnoxious baby feminist to boot. I'm sure reading one or two posts made that last point obvious. I still can't believe anyone is even reading this.
*I've linked to a post he wrote about his work/life/marriage situation. Good to hear from a male perspective on this! He is now on my blog roll! (and I know he's just thrilled).
Friday, November 5, 2010
Trailer Trash, and a need for better vocabulary
Am I a sidecar?
No, I never liked the term trailing spouse, but I was damned glad to find there was a word for what I was stepping into. The Smart Expat has a post about a friend who referred to herself as "trailer trash", a cheeky reference to the limiting (and ill-fitting) trailing spouse. "Accompanying spouse" was suggested, but damn if that doesn't strangle the tongue. It's hard to find a word that properly respects but describes that position. Why is it so hard to make it sound important, necessary and incredibly complicated? Probably because all the things a TS does in the move is typically considered women's work. And even though this refers to the complicated business of setting up a new home base, it isn't respected as it should be. (Look at the salaries of child care workers and teachers, and tell me this world ain't a little screwed.) If crazy people hadn't coined it, I'd say "help meet" was a good term, but it gives me the shivers.
Trailing spouse seems like a grim self-fulfilling prophecy, wherein you start to drag behind and lose your identity because that's what you're calling yourself. Because your title doesn't imply independence or acknowledge what you do, only what you're following behind. This is why words are so important. Words can totally hurt people, or give them the idea that they aren't held to high expectations (I feel this every time someone says "girl" when they mean "woman").
We need something that implies a parallel partnership. I wish sidecar didn't sound so damn ridiculous, because I kind of love it.
No, I never liked the term trailing spouse, but I was damned glad to find there was a word for what I was stepping into. The Smart Expat has a post about a friend who referred to herself as "trailer trash", a cheeky reference to the limiting (and ill-fitting) trailing spouse. "Accompanying spouse" was suggested, but damn if that doesn't strangle the tongue. It's hard to find a word that properly respects but describes that position. Why is it so hard to make it sound important, necessary and incredibly complicated? Probably because all the things a TS does in the move is typically considered women's work. And even though this refers to the complicated business of setting up a new home base, it isn't respected as it should be. (Look at the salaries of child care workers and teachers, and tell me this world ain't a little screwed.) If crazy people hadn't coined it, I'd say "help meet" was a good term, but it gives me the shivers.
Trailing spouse seems like a grim self-fulfilling prophecy, wherein you start to drag behind and lose your identity because that's what you're calling yourself. Because your title doesn't imply independence or acknowledge what you do, only what you're following behind. This is why words are so important. Words can totally hurt people, or give them the idea that they aren't held to high expectations (I feel this every time someone says "girl" when they mean "woman").
We need something that implies a parallel partnership. I wish sidecar didn't sound so damn ridiculous, because I kind of love it.
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