Oh! Whoa! I'm back!

Well, lucky for me, this move has been pretty awesome. So awesome, I haven't updated in over two months. I've met people, gotten scads of volunteering time in AND made some cool-ass stuff. The "trailing" angst is pretty much gone since I'm in it, and it feels a lot different when you're not just fretting about it.

A unicorn and Hyperbole and a Half

I'm going to start doing some major craft stuff in the next few weeks, and attempt to keep better track so I can do tutorials (I hear you, Heidi).  But-- I am moving my blog to Wordpress, in order to change the URL and because Google can suck my yarn balls.  Very soon, you will be able to read/see my stuff at Jumbo Jibbles.  That is, if anyone still reads this.

MUST CRAFT - Cranes and Pinwheels

We've been in the new apartment for two full weeks now with none of our stuff. Other than getting tired of wearing the same pair of shoes every day, this hasn't been bad at all.  It's clean and open, and we don't have to mess with tidying much.  But the one thing that has been driving me nuts is having no access to my craft supplies.

Instead of being impatient and wasting money buying things that would soon arrive, I bought a pack of 50mm origami sheets in Japantown (one of the three surviving in the country) and learned how to make paper cranes.  I got pretty ok at it, but it just wasn't enough.  

I've been keeping a list of fun craft projects to decorate the house with, and they are mostly paper crafts like lanterns and pom-poms.  I was really inspired this week by a tip from Hands Occupied on how some crafters are repurposing wedding or shower decorations.  That's all and well for when the moving truck finally arrives (tomorrow!) but what do I do now, when my need is so great?  Oh, hello pinwheels!

Friend Dating

I just posted a "strictly platonic" ad in the personals section of Craigslist. Horror of horrors, what have I gotten myself into?  It's been almost two weeks in the new town, and I'm getting lonely.  I had a good morning yesterday, was very productive, but then I started convincing myself that it would be possible to be ok if I never made another friend in my life. This is so incredibly wrong, and once I convinced myself, I was despondent for a little bit.  I've made a few friends, but since I've met them through other people, I don't want to make them feel put-upon by me wanting to hang out too much. So, I need to embiggen the pool of people.

Damn my extroversion!

So, this ad.  I hope it didn't sound too dorky, but I wanted to be more specific than all the "Looking for a BFF! I like to have fun!" because that's how most of them read.  That, or it is obvious that the ad shouldn't be in the "strictly platonic" section.  Who wouldn't go for this gal:

Well, we'll find out.  

California Trail

It's been long enough since I've written that I can't completely find my way back to where I was. Things happened really fast-- giving notice, selling off our possessions, finding a home for our dog, finding a home for us. My family was certainly not satisfied with the amount of time I could spend with them, and the pressure they put on me didn't help me very much. At the end, I had to keep telling myself that in this particular situation, yes, this is about me. About me and J, and the big thing we were about to do. I had to focus on getting us through it.

And we did. We've been in San Jose for over a week now, still no belongings, and J started his first day at Intel on Monday. It took us three days driving 1,800 miles on I-40, six tanks of gas, and half of the audiobook version of A Storm of Swords. The book made the time go by really quickly, and don't believe anybody when they say that drive isn't beautiful. I'd never driven through Arizona or New Mexico, or Texas for that matter, and it was fun to look at. J didn't seem to be as intent about power-driving, but I kept wanting to drive more once he called it a day. I really wanted to get to my new home.

So, here I am, a week later with no furniture, no job, and no husband around. A person could get very stagnant, so I'm trying to keep busy. It's hard when there's nothing in the house. I have a craft commission, but I don't have any supplies. I want to decorate, but I don't have any furniture. Really, things could be worse.

The best news is, is that I love it here. I love walking everywhere, biking is easy, driving is easy, the food is great and the weather really is quite beautiful. I'm sure I'll start to miss rain soon. I'm going to take about a month before I start to look for a job, and in that time I plan to volunteer, get my commission done and start a class at the local TechShop.  I have a California drivers license, a library card and a few friends.  Really, I'm all set.

There will be a time when I may whine about feeling guilty about not working, but it is not today. Today I have a very positive outlook that this time will be well-spent, and I will have better direction for myself.  

Lucy Knisley in my Brain

One of my favorite comic artists, Lucy Knisley, just posted a moving comic! So perfect.  We jam out of here in less than one week.

I hope people come to our going-away party at the bar tonight.  I hope I don't cry.

After the flood

4 REAL - This was my fortune at the Chinese restaurant we ate at our first day in San Jose.

It's so hard to write about so much has happened. On July 7th, I got a text from J that said, "Call me-- not in your office". At this point, it had been over a week since he'd gotten the job offer, but nothing final on paper. It could be great or horrible. I went outside and paced around in the disgusting Arkansan heat while the phone rang, and he answered and said, "I got it".

Commence jumping and squeeing!  I calmed myself, strode into Human Resources and tried to tell them the news without peeing on myself.  They know my current work situation, and weren't surprised that I was so damn excited. And to their credit, they were excited for me as well.  I only went to them first so the motive would be clear when my boss murdered me.

I always thought resigning would have more of a dramatic, thrilling feel, but mostly I tried to be calm, respectful and get it over with.  Fifteen minutes didn't go by from phone call to leaving my boss's office.  And to her credit, my treatment has not been any worse than it usually is, since then.  I was able to give three week's notice and I am leaving with my to-do list finished and a detailed handbook for the next supervisor. Good. Bye.

So much has happened since then, such as a reprise of all the problems I've had with moving and not having a job, but this is all I can do for now.  We're one week away from the day we drive away from here never to be Northwest Arkansas citizens again*.  We've got movers, a place for the dog**, a new apartment, some friends in the city and a lot of excitement.  The physical stuff has mostly been easy, and that's what we've been dealing with.  We haven't started to say goodbye yet.

*Maybe when we are old.
**Please, no judgmental comments about how I'm a terrible pet owner. She is going to a home that is ten times better than the shitty home life we've cobbled together for her for the past five years.  Eat me.

Meetup.com in San Jose

Now that it's official, I signed up for a number of groups on meetup.com so I can jump in immediately.  Being in Silicon Valley, you have to wade through a lot of tech stuff, start-ups and New Age-y awfulness.  I was afraid that being in a non-tech field, having no children or power crystals, I'd be up a creek.  In the country's 10th most populous city, though, I will be ok.

The Non-Moms Club- Lots of clubs for moms, for all ages of children, but not a lot for just women specifically.  This group was created not to be anti-mom, but pro-we're-childfree-now.  They do a wide variety of stuff (drinks, hikes, charity), so hopefully I'll meed a variety of people.

Bay Area Ghost Hunters- J thinks I'm nuts, but I've never known any ghost hunters and it looks like fun.  Do I believe in ghosts? Well, not really, but I believe in having a good time.

San Jose ASL Meetup- This will help me practice the little bit I've learned in class so far.  I'm sure I'll be awful, but this is the best way to get better.  I've yet to practice with an actual deaf person.

There's a lot more, a lot of craft groups and biking groups, but I'll stick with these few at first.  The internet has made it really easy for me to have almost too much to do when I get there. Yippee!

All I gotta say is

anyone in San Jose want to go for some coffee next month?

Dear lord.

It has now been over a week since J got the job offer, and Human Resources has not called to discuss salary.  We have nothing in writing, yet he has a start date in early August.  The math is not adding up for me to give proper notice at my job (and have time to move myself across the country).

Freaking out commencing.

Defined by your job?

Eileen at Dissertation Under Construction wrote a piece yesterday called Visibility and Women's Work that really struck a chord for me:

J has worked at a summer theater every summer since I moved to Overcast three and a half years ago, and usually it's great.  Long hours, but the people he works with are mostly fun and reasonably acquainted with the fact that graduate school is work, since some of them are thinking about grad school themselves.  Except for a few people, mostly straight men, who seem to think that intellectual work, especially done by a woman, is not work at all.  I'm aware that I'm extraordinarily privileged, in that my university gave me a funding package which allows me to solely work on my dissertation during the summers.  I don't have to pick up a second job or teach unless I choose to, so when we meet people for drinks after work or whatever, my answer to "what did you do today" is usually "read another book" and not "rigged 500 pounds of lights/built a giant platform for people to dance on." 

She is a grad student, academic and pretty awesome.  But her work isn't seen by some (mainly men) as real.  In my years with J, I've never heard anyone dismiss his work (theoretical physics mainly done from a couch) as fluff.  I couldn't do what she does, and without people like her the breadth and diversity of our knowledge base would dwindle.  Why is it that tasks are deemed less important when you have a woman do it?

I need to realize (and remember, and repeat to myself) that people who think like this are major douchebags, and I don't negotiate with douchebags.  It will still irk me, but I should correct them when I can and move along.

The things I like to do, that really bring me joy, are not what most people would call a career track.  I may never have a career in the sense that J has a career, but that doesn't mean I haven't done something with myself.   Eileen wrote about how what you do for money doesn't have to be what defines you.  It's great if it does, and defines you in a good way, but life isn't always work.

What I need to do is strengthen my non-"work" skills, so the after-work sphere of my life grows larger and more important.  People may not respect the things I like to do (sewing, sculpting) as real work, but I need to.  And I don't think I've been truly respecting my talents.

It's easier said than done, to not give credit to what others think of you.  But starting this summer, I'm going to try to not care.

Eat it, haters.

Guest Post: Getting a job immediately, regretting it immediately

Fargo Kidder* is a graduate student, crafter, blogger, and dog lover.

Last time I wrote a post for SCOATS, I focused on my desire to take the plunge and become a creative entrepreneur. Two recent posts  by "a" made me realize I have something else the readers of this blog might be interested in: what happened to me after I followed my spouse.

I was a ball of nerves as my husband and I prepared to move for his job. Don't get me wrong, there were things about the job I had at the time that I was psyched to leave behind. I knew I'd miss my friends, but I had the consolation of knowing we were moving just a 5-hour drive from where we used to live. I really can go back and visit any time. Because we moved to a fun city, we've already got almost a dozen friends coming to visit us this summer. It's nice, too, that my husband's new job allows us to live in a bigger, multi-bed and bathroom apartment that can accommodate company, unlike our old 650-square-foot house. After living in our new city for six weeks, I can say I miss my friends, but it's not so bad.

So the house and friends situations are great, but the work situation is not. My husband will start his new job in a few weeks, and I've been working at mine for just over a month. It was a good thing we opted to move in early May, despite his job not starting until July because I hit what some would consider the traveling spouse jackpot (I discussed this a bit in my previous post, but I'll touch on it again). I landed a job that is just like my old job. It's full time, started six days after we moved, and hey, it pays better. Here's the rub. I know taking this job was absolutely the wrong choice. At the time I got the job offer, I had already planned to work an internship part time while taking my remaining courses online. I would have finished my degree in August and have been able to apply for jobs with a couple years of experience from my old job, as well as no real lapse in employment due to working an internship and going to school full time online. 

Not the guest blogger, but the face says it all.

I keep asking myself "what was I thinking" when I'm on a train commuting to my job in an overly privileged, whitewashed suburb. It's to the point that I've started making myself list five positive things about my situation as I walk from my train stop in to work every day. This only leads me to listing twenty things about how pathetic I feel before stress eating the free candy in my ridiculous staff lounge. So what was I thinking when I applied for, interviewed twice for, changed my whole personal grad school plan for, and accepted this job? I was scared, god dammit! This job let me feel, to a certain extent, that I was still in control of my situation. That I wasn't another early twenty-something, unemployed loser. It justified my following my husband. My husband will always make more money than I do. Between getting married (and no one respecting my choice not to change my name), following my husband, and knowing my lifestyle will always be dependent on his paycheck, I think I needed these two months before his new job starts to feel like I could take care of us. Knowing that I was the sole bread winner, even just for a little while, is something I think I'll always be able to cling to when people call me Mrs. Wronglastname instead of Ms. Me. Or when I'm the armequin (silent mannequin on my husband's arm) at some terrible event that we "should" go to, it doesn't matter because I know that I can, and did, take care of us for two months after we moved. 

Interesting. I didn't realize til I wrote these thoughts down that the last two months will mean a lot to me long term. Maybe taking this job was the right choice at the time. I maintain, however, that I will GTFO the burbs asap. I will find a way to be a creative entrepreneur.

Today, I was originally intending to explore how I can leave this job without bruising my professional reputation too much. I've been there six weeks, and I plan on staying through September, for a total of three months. I've been keeping my eye on some job boards since I feel like it will be easier to leave this job if I had the excuse of "well, I wasn't feeling like this was a good fit and I got this other offer." But then I'll be jumping right into ANOTHER job. Honestly, I feel like I need a break. I have been triple-dipping my life in the part-time/online grad school, full time job, and blogging buckets for too long. My personal life suffers. I'm supposed to lose twenty pounds for my health this summer, and I don't know how to do that while working this much. It's hard to trust my perception of how I feel about anything when I'm this swamped. UGH. What to do?

---

*Ha! Still with that terrible pseudonym. I crack me up.

How to Read a Town

felt macarons from Little Fluff Stuff

How to read a town, how to research a city, how to figure out where to live-- it all depends on what language you're speaking.  For me, I speak walk-able, bike-able, old architecture, crafting community.  And affordable, but I'll maybe have to learn a new dialect.  Looking at a new town when you've never been to it is hard.  I have no idea what people did before the internet (guess I should ask my mom).  I'm going to share some of the tips I've figured out about judging a town's compatibility.

1. Meetup.com-  Meet-up is a good place to start.  Smaller areas probably won't have a lot of entries, but a large city should yield up a group for just about anything (Southbay Goth Meet-up, LARPers, Raw food and board games night).  Pick your keywords and see what you find.  Now, I'm not sure how wide-spread meetup is, and it may be used more by some age groups than others.  Or maybe you don't even care about age groups.  Check it out.

Knitted cowl from Nisey Knits

2. Since this is at least 40% a craft blog, I chose to do some scouting through Etsy.com. Using their Shop Local search, I found sellers from the area we're looking at.  Then, I sent a handful of friendly notes asking about the availability of craft supplies and whether there was much of a crafting community.  I got answers back almost immediately about stores to go to and offers of help once I get there.  That was probably the most positive thing that's happened so far.  I'd like to thank Little Fluff Stuff (pictured above), maukDesigns, Nisey Knits, and La Plume Ethere for helping me feel at home before it's even my home. I even got an invitation to knit with someone!

3.  Google Street View: I can never use this feature without thinking HOLY SHIT IT'S THE FUTURE.  I've used this to check out my childhood home (they cut down my damn tree!) and find bike-able roads.  Now, I can snail my way through entire neighborhoods.  Looking at things from above always make them look weird and clinical, but street view is nice. The absence of deciduous trees in California makes me sad, but using this I could see that there are plenty of leaves out there.  Through a freak occurrence, J wasn't able to rent a car for his trip, but he could use the street view maps to check out the sidewalks.


View Larger Map

4.  City-data.com- Discussions from their forum often come to the top of my searches when thinking about moving/trailing.  It's a large enough website that you can almost always find someone moving from/to where you're going.  The design leaves much to be desired, but it is chock-full of facts. You won't laugh (you might cry, looking at housing prices) but you'll get some of the big answers.  This doesn't particularly give you the feel of a place, but gives more precise information about demographics/employment/industry than any Wikipedia article.

5.  WalkScore.com lets you know how much your city respects pedestrians and cyclists, which isn't important to everyone but it is to me.  And since it's hooked into Google Maps, you also get a list of cool places, by category, near the address.  For me, if all that pops up under coffee is Starbucks, I've hit a dud.

I hope this helps someone.  When J applied for jobs in Portland, I had more of an idea of what to expect. I'd been there and its reputation preceded it.  This part of California, though, boggled my mind.  And when you're feeling boggled, it's easy to focus on the bad stuff.

Start your trailers!

image from mormon mommy wars

I'm an hour away from driving J out to the airport.  Lots of talking, googling and reassuring has happened since my last explosive post, and I have to admit I reacted harshly.  The place we work isn't necessarily the place we live in California, where all the towns are close together and public transit exists.  So, I am not freaking out anymore*.

He'll fly into California today, interview tomorrow, and come back on Thursday after I get off work.  I took a vacation day today, mostly so I could be completely calm before and after he leaves.  It's been a lovely morning-- we slept in, had breakfast over the Daily Show and went to the farmers market.

Statistics often come from thin air, but I've read several places that moving ranks in the top three for most stressful events in a couple's life.  We're responding to the beginning of this process by getting closer.  I'm sure our friends think we're being jerks to disappear before we've even begun to move, but it's how we're coping. Staying in, reading, remembering why we chose to be together.

But listen to me-- it's just an interview.  I don't need to sell all my winter clothes just yet.

*Still hate palm trees.

Not one of those posts!

If anyone has been wondering why I haven't written in a week, it's because J has had two interviews with the same company in the past two weeks and things are moving.  But he doesn't want me to write about that stuff as much, because it felt bad the last time he didn't get a job, and the whole internet knew about it. I understand that.  Unfortunately what he's doing is pretty necessary for this blog to move along, so I've been feeling a little... clogged.  This is go time, the time I really need to write about this so the community I've been trying to build can help me along.

The prospect of moving is exciting, and FUCKING HORRIFYING.  Yes, I would like to move before the Fall semester starts (the busiest/worst/best part of my work year) but now I'm looking around my town saying, "Damn, I like it here", and researching towns where the jobs and thinking, "Damn, I like it here*".  I do like it here.

Powerless, that's what it feels like.  About to go somewhere where I don't know anyone and my only friend will always be gone and really tired when he comes home and it may be a suburb, and maybe I'll end up having kids only because there's nothing else for me there.  I've burst into tears four times today, and I swear I'm trying to find something positive.  I feel even more awful that I'm not jumping up and down.  I am happy about the opportunity, just not so jazzed about where it is.

He's flying to California for an interview next week.  If things go smoothly, we could be out of here by August.

*Here being here, now. Not there.

Guest Post: Did I mention..?

Fargo Kidder* is a graduate student, crafter, blogger, and dog lover.

Let me start off by saying that I am a very lucky woman. In the past year, I've gotten married, moved to a huge city, my husband has landed a high-paying job, and I, the following spouse, even landed a job that started before my husband's. The job is even one I'm uniquely qualified for - literally, it's my old job, but in a new environment. The thing is, I wasn't happy doing my old job. I was good at it, but unhappy. I thought moving to a new organization while still doing something I enjoyed would alleviate this unfulfilled feeling I'm experiencing. I am starting to think that the organization wasn't the problem.

In theory, I should be psyched that my husband completing his graduate coursework (he's ABD at this point) dovetailed with the start date of his new job and now, my new job. Not psyched, ecstatic! And I'm not. I tend to spread myself too thin, which I've been trying to work on. Sometimes that doesn't always work out...

Did I mention I'm also working on MY master's degree? Luckily my program is flexible and most courses can be taken online. We found out in December we'd be moving this summer, so I secured a summer internship for credit. When I landed my full time job a few months later, I opted to do the internship in addition to working 40 hours a week. I figured it would be easier and more fun to work six days a week than work 5 plus take an online class. I've done that before just fine, but the internship sounds more interesting and practical.

Not the author, but close enough. Pic from Ashleeappendicitus

Did I mention I also have a blog? I won't linky link because I'm guesting anonymously today, but it's about crafts. I've been blogging there for coming up on a year, and it's become one of my favorite things to work on. I didn't realize until making hundreds of crafts for my wedding that crafting is what I really love to do. It's not just an outlet for anxiety for me like it once was. I find myself feeling so strongly about my work that I regularly forgo sleep to work on it, as well as my blog. The longer I'm blogging, the more I'm realizing that I want to dedicate more time to it. But I can't commute to a full time job and make that happen. I feel like I'm missing opportunities with crafting every second at work, and then I'll sneak a second or two to post something or approve comments, and I feel like I'm letting my paid job down.

Did I mention how lucky my husband and I are? My husband somehow landed a job in finance, with all of the perks (money, insurance, etc.) therein. We don't want kids, plus we can already afford for me not to work at all. So why am I so worried about all of this? I simultaneously feel like the small window that has opened for me to develop a business is only going to be open for a short while. If I don't do this now when the conditions are right, then will I ever? My husband is supportive. He knows, probably better than I do, that I can make myself work 40 hours a week from home.

Kids and crafts. A lot of people I know who craft for a living appear to be able to justify it because they're also stay-at-home-moms. Half of their blog posts are about the hat they made their kids, how their kids are napping so they had time to post, how great their kids' contributions are to their work. I don't want kids, and I think it's impressive that these women can run a business plus to do the kids thing at the same time. Now I'm not saying I feel like getting knocked up will justify my craft business, but I think it would be easier for me to say to people, "I am a mom, but I also make a living through my Etsy shop."

The realistic plan I can envision in my head. I finish my master's degree in December. Leading up to that, I can look for part-time employment. With any luck, I'd like to be able to leave my current job in December, work a lower stress part time job, and run my business part time. That way, I can feel my safety net, but still have time to devote to the pursuit I want to eventually do full time.

But what if I'm wrong... 
_________________________________________


*Name changed to protect the innocent-- and unfortunately she let me pick the pseudonym.


For most posts like this, see The Scale of Opportunity and Guest Post: Freeze Dried.  If you'd like a platform to talk about your experience moving with a significant other, please contact me.

Frowns

I decided to go for the pay-cut job, as it would be a much better working environment, but after being honest with myself I knew that with J out of a job, I couldn't justify a pay cut. Plus, I'd be working for a friend, and if it went south, I wouldn't want a friendship soured.   I'm a little sad, because I think it would have been great.  On the positive side, I got a letter from human resources (re: the big job) saying they were sending my application to the search committee, so it looks like I cleared the first hurdle.

We've been doing a lot of talking about whether to stay or go, meaning, whether J should make more efforts to find something local.  I've been dissecting the chip on my shoulder about a "fresh start". Am I forcing a move?  I was playing the game for years, with moving as the main objective, so if I'm causing friction it's because I've been planning my life around it.  I hate to bring up resentment, but I feel like I'd be resentful if I had martyred myself at my job so he could get a cool one somewhere else, then we stayed.  I know I should let go of that, especially since I know I could.  I could have any of a hundred reasons why I want to move on, and it shouldn't be because THAT WAS THE PLAN.

What do I really want? To be swept away somewhere else so I have no choice but to leave my job and start afresh somewhere else.  But that's a lot of pressure on J.

The first one is always the hardest

My man.

J has his technical interview with Google today. We both slept somewhat badly last night due to crazy wind outside and both of us getting a phone call between 3 and 4am.  I got up and made him coffee and made sure he woke up.  The call isn't until 2:30, but I am biting my nails til then.  I'm looking forward to coming home and finding a less stressed husband.  As for me, the weather seemed like a good omen this morning, window, cool and a little wet.  I am trying to remain as positive as I can.  No matter what comes of this, it's an accomplishment.

Meetup.com: Picking a city based on search results

The internal referral J got for his Google application did the trick-- he received an email from a REAL PERSON on Friday.  He's gotten past the computers and has been asked to give his top three choices of location.  Google has offices in lots of awesome cities, but we narrowed it down to six, then to three:

1. Seattle, WA
2. Mountain View, CA (main headquarters)
3. Boulder, CO

We picked based on how likely J was to get a job at that particular location, whether we liked the area and all sorts of numbers (crime, cost of living, housing prices, weather).  Mountain View was a shoe-in since it's the main headquarters.  Some stats say it's more expensive than NYC, though, and that's scary.  We went ahead and stuck it there in the middle.  J left it up to me to pick the top location, and Seattle is big, similar to Portland, and I think I'd have the best chance at meeting people and finding things to do, also: jobs.

To chose between Seattle and Boulder (I've never been to either) I used Meetup.com to search for my interests.  I searched crafts, sewing, bicycles, feminism, ASL, libraries and made a judgment based on how much came up for each.  Starting out, though, I knew Seattle would have more.  Boulder is only a little bigger than where we live now.  J is familiar with Boulder, though, and says I'd really like it. Let's just say, though, I have never been skiing, and I've never had the urge.  I feel I'd be a waste of space in Boulder.  I like a bike-able city, though.

When we move, I will definitely use meetup to find some starter groups.  I'll admit, I'm already tired just thinking of how hard it will be to find new friends.

It's been a good Spring Break, though tomorrow's my last day of it.  J made a goal of finishing two applications per day, and so far he's doing it.  This is an extremely exciting time.

My Mom: The Original Traveling Spouse

Inside my mother's jewelry box

This is hard to write about: my mom was a traveling spouse once, but I rarely think of her as a reference and I've only talked to her about these issues a few times.  She did a great job raising us and is a fantastic woman, but something in me doesn't want to admit we're in the same situation or want the same things.  I'm sure she didn't appreciate being moved from her friends and family into a shitty small town where she knew no one, but I feel like I've got that pressure plus the pressure to do something with myself despite the tenuousness of my geography.  But damnit, didn't she feel that same pressure?

Why do I have the right to say she's trailing instead of traveling? She probably wouldn't have much of a problem with that term, except for the Human Resource-y nonsense of it, since she knew what she was signing up for getting married in a conservative area in the 70's.  My mom's public and private stance on women's rights is different, but she has unequivocally stated throughout my life that a man is the head of a house, and women should not lead in church congregations.  When I had to interview her for a class project in 7th grade, she said she did not believe in feminism*.

It's hard to reconcile these things when you've known a person to be independent, strong, argumentative and (mostly) pro-choice.  She's worked on and off at different clerical jobs and held volunteer positions on many non-profit boards, but without a good retirement fun from my father, she would be without funds or resume.  I'm not saying she hasn't worked-- she raised two children, very well and keeps a beautiful, comfortable and organized house.  Since my father's quintuple by-pass in 2000, she's been a nurse, dietitian, physical therapist and chef.  She made herself into a fixture of the volunteer community in her town, and it's hard to find someone who doesn't know her (or who hasn't heard of her).

Part of me says, "But she could do all those things anywhere," and another says, "So could you". Yet another part (I'm in lots of pieces today) reminds me that it's hard to leave your community no matter what your job was (at home or out of it).

Readers out there know there's a bit of rebellion in this, or my need to not follow in my mother's footsteps.  Her babying of my father, outright refusal of feminism and the right of women to lead religious services was always baffling to me, she who told me I could be anything I wanted to be.  Except for what caveats?  There's a huge chip on my shoulder, but it's a shared chip with all the other women in my generation.  Do what we want to do, or worry that what we want to do is just a result of society's influence on us? I want to be a mother someday (maybe....) but I don't want to be labeled as a mother.  I want to do it without the resulting diminishment in society's eyes**.

But other than the low worth given to women/mothers by our society, am I attributing negative attributes to motherhood because of my own fraught relationship with my mother?

Stay tuned, kids. This is the first time I've delved into these waters, so I think I should do it a little at a time.
 

*I did not have the vocabulary to argue this at the time, and it would be years before I would call myself a feminist.
**Oh yeah, internalized misogyny checking in.  But you know what I'm saying. This culture does not respect women, and it certainly doesn't respect mothers.

28 Days of Blogging

I'm attempting a blog post a day for February, egged on by my friend at Freeze Dried.  I already missed February 1st, but I didn't know about it then, and it was the first snow day so I had s(no)w-work fever.

 Today is the first day back on campus since Monday, and we didn't have to be here until 9:30.  That gave me and J time for one last late  breakfast and we got to walk to work together.  Penguin-walking, because this town doesn't have any budget for inclement weather plans, and the roads and sidewalks were still pretty crappy.  As of this writing, it is snowing again.  I'm doing my best to get work done (writing a blog post on the side isn't productive, I know) but it's hard with my student employees yacking about the snow and me wondering if I need to tell other employees to just not come in.  I haven't had to deal with weather safety too much in my time here, but now I feel like it's up to me whether to make these students drive/bus up here.  If the University thinks it's safe enough to be open, I guess I should trust my employees to get here.

J and I talked a little last night about The Future.  He said he felt selfish in his current path.  I think it counts that he actually thinks about that, and it's not selfish if I said I'm ok with it.  Plus, I've gone this far with him, and I want to see it to the end (or at least the beginning of the next step, with a job).  And, on a sort of sad note, I've built my current life around what he's doing, so I'd be totally out to sea if he abandoned it.  I guess if he went into industry we'd still move (I don't like to think about how I would react if I found out we would not leave our current town) so really  he should do what will make him happiest in his career.  He's worked so long I think he deserves to have a job that fulfills him.  Just because I'm unhappy at my job doesn't mean I want him to be brought down with me.    We could both use a change of scenery.