Defined by your job?

Eileen at Dissertation Under Construction wrote a piece yesterday called Visibility and Women's Work that really struck a chord for me:

J has worked at a summer theater every summer since I moved to Overcast three and a half years ago, and usually it's great.  Long hours, but the people he works with are mostly fun and reasonably acquainted with the fact that graduate school is work, since some of them are thinking about grad school themselves.  Except for a few people, mostly straight men, who seem to think that intellectual work, especially done by a woman, is not work at all.  I'm aware that I'm extraordinarily privileged, in that my university gave me a funding package which allows me to solely work on my dissertation during the summers.  I don't have to pick up a second job or teach unless I choose to, so when we meet people for drinks after work or whatever, my answer to "what did you do today" is usually "read another book" and not "rigged 500 pounds of lights/built a giant platform for people to dance on." 

She is a grad student, academic and pretty awesome.  But her work isn't seen by some (mainly men) as real.  In my years with J, I've never heard anyone dismiss his work (theoretical physics mainly done from a couch) as fluff.  I couldn't do what she does, and without people like her the breadth and diversity of our knowledge base would dwindle.  Why is it that tasks are deemed less important when you have a woman do it?

I need to realize (and remember, and repeat to myself) that people who think like this are major douchebags, and I don't negotiate with douchebags.  It will still irk me, but I should correct them when I can and move along.

The things I like to do, that really bring me joy, are not what most people would call a career track.  I may never have a career in the sense that J has a career, but that doesn't mean I haven't done something with myself.   Eileen wrote about how what you do for money doesn't have to be what defines you.  It's great if it does, and defines you in a good way, but life isn't always work.

What I need to do is strengthen my non-"work" skills, so the after-work sphere of my life grows larger and more important.  People may not respect the things I like to do (sewing, sculpting) as real work, but I need to.  And I don't think I've been truly respecting my talents.

It's easier said than done, to not give credit to what others think of you.  But starting this summer, I'm going to try to not care.

Eat it, haters.

Oh here we go! A new word everybody! WINGSPOUSE(tm)

Alrighty, not only have a found a new term to replace our decrepit and roundly-hated trailing spouse, but it also offers a new direction! That is, no direction at all but to support your husband.  WINGSPOUSEe(tm)* is an executive help-meet, but who cares about concise vocabulary, when you don't need to worry about a pesky career anymore!

Can I be a wingspouse™ partner and still have a career?It’s possible to be employed outside of the home and still act like a wingspouse™ in some capacity. A few wingspouses are lucky enough to have a career that directly benefits the executive spouse. However, a true wingspouse™ is a full-time and equal partner to the executive. She enjoys being professionally challenged, but finds a separate career difficult because of executive career expectations, time demands, relocations, or family responsibilities. That’s just the nature of the beast. If this sounds like you, then you probably have the makings of a wingspouse.

Isn't WINGSPOUSE(tm) just another way of saying a woman's place is at her husband's side? Or the kitchen? Maybe I'm looking at this too harshly, but the solution here is not to find your own identity but to find a way to more successfully carve it out of his:

She enjoys the success of the executive’s career and actively participates in that success using her own unique set of skills.

Oy.  Over on the LA Times blog, one writer seems to think this is AWESOME (since when did married women not think being a good wife was important? Feminism doesn't mean marry a man just to torture him).

Wouldn't it be better for her spouse and children if she were to opt for a more traditional role — full-time wife, full-time mom, full-time writer of thank-you notes — a choice that continues to be embraced by many forces in our culture?

My head and my desk are having a party right now.  This is what I was talking about a few days about about not being able to surmount these ideas of traditional roles if I take one.  What also irks me is that it assumes a one-income household is possible for most people.

Good on her for making the website and trying to sell this idea, but WINGSPOUSE(tm) makes me want to WINGSPEW.

*It's all caps or go home. This website is crazy-pants.

Who cares what people think? The people being crapped on!

My biggest problem I struggle with on this blog is identity.  Now, identity doesn't have to do with anything outside of myself, so my problem is that I personally do tie outside opinion in with how I view myself.  If I didn't, then I'd say "fuck all!" to convention and do my thing.  I just have this niggling desire to change perceptions.

As to the title, it's easy to say, "Just be yourself!" when who you are isn't questioned or judged by society at large.  Fargo Kidder*, from yesterday's guest post, wrote about how wanting to work from home and have a craft business is very tied to women who have children, and include that in their blogging.  It's assumed that a woman with her own business is being supported by a husband, or is doing it while she's taking care of kids.  There is nothing wrong with doing those things, and you don't need to hear it from me.  It's the assumption that galls me.

How is it possible not to stumble under the weight of assumptions?  What would happen if the weight was lifted?

I want to smash that assumption. I want to rend the connotations from the things I want to do that genders them female, that presupposes I can't do things on my own, that says they are less valuable than things a man does, that assumes working from home means you don't have a real job**.  I want to stand as an example of being just as independent, industrious and fucking awesome as men are assumed to be by default.  I want to live my live as a person, not a marked other. 

Problem is, one can't live her live a monolith, especially if no one's looking.  And all this shit I don't like isn't going to change in my lifetime, so I should probably do a little of what I wanna do and not care about what people think.  When I first started reading about feminism, I was so angry (as well a person should be) but it took me a while to  learn to temper my anger with the wrongs of the world with happiness of what's right, and that was a painful time.  You can only fight against bad stuff for so long if you don't take time for some good stuff.  You'll burn out.

I only have one life, and I need two.  One to smash through the glass ceiling, and another to enjoy the fresh air above it.

*I'm still gagging at how bad that pseudonym is. Never let me make them up for you.

**Why is everything we do have to be tied with being mothers?  Even if it has nothing to do with children? 

Guest Post: Did I mention..?

Fargo Kidder* is a graduate student, crafter, blogger, and dog lover.

Let me start off by saying that I am a very lucky woman. In the past year, I've gotten married, moved to a huge city, my husband has landed a high-paying job, and I, the following spouse, even landed a job that started before my husband's. The job is even one I'm uniquely qualified for - literally, it's my old job, but in a new environment. The thing is, I wasn't happy doing my old job. I was good at it, but unhappy. I thought moving to a new organization while still doing something I enjoyed would alleviate this unfulfilled feeling I'm experiencing. I am starting to think that the organization wasn't the problem.

In theory, I should be psyched that my husband completing his graduate coursework (he's ABD at this point) dovetailed with the start date of his new job and now, my new job. Not psyched, ecstatic! And I'm not. I tend to spread myself too thin, which I've been trying to work on. Sometimes that doesn't always work out...

Did I mention I'm also working on MY master's degree? Luckily my program is flexible and most courses can be taken online. We found out in December we'd be moving this summer, so I secured a summer internship for credit. When I landed my full time job a few months later, I opted to do the internship in addition to working 40 hours a week. I figured it would be easier and more fun to work six days a week than work 5 plus take an online class. I've done that before just fine, but the internship sounds more interesting and practical.

Not the author, but close enough. Pic from Ashleeappendicitus

Did I mention I also have a blog? I won't linky link because I'm guesting anonymously today, but it's about crafts. I've been blogging there for coming up on a year, and it's become one of my favorite things to work on. I didn't realize until making hundreds of crafts for my wedding that crafting is what I really love to do. It's not just an outlet for anxiety for me like it once was. I find myself feeling so strongly about my work that I regularly forgo sleep to work on it, as well as my blog. The longer I'm blogging, the more I'm realizing that I want to dedicate more time to it. But I can't commute to a full time job and make that happen. I feel like I'm missing opportunities with crafting every second at work, and then I'll sneak a second or two to post something or approve comments, and I feel like I'm letting my paid job down.

Did I mention how lucky my husband and I are? My husband somehow landed a job in finance, with all of the perks (money, insurance, etc.) therein. We don't want kids, plus we can already afford for me not to work at all. So why am I so worried about all of this? I simultaneously feel like the small window that has opened for me to develop a business is only going to be open for a short while. If I don't do this now when the conditions are right, then will I ever? My husband is supportive. He knows, probably better than I do, that I can make myself work 40 hours a week from home.

Kids and crafts. A lot of people I know who craft for a living appear to be able to justify it because they're also stay-at-home-moms. Half of their blog posts are about the hat they made their kids, how their kids are napping so they had time to post, how great their kids' contributions are to their work. I don't want kids, and I think it's impressive that these women can run a business plus to do the kids thing at the same time. Now I'm not saying I feel like getting knocked up will justify my craft business, but I think it would be easier for me to say to people, "I am a mom, but I also make a living through my Etsy shop."

The realistic plan I can envision in my head. I finish my master's degree in December. Leading up to that, I can look for part-time employment. With any luck, I'd like to be able to leave my current job in December, work a lower stress part time job, and run my business part time. That way, I can feel my safety net, but still have time to devote to the pursuit I want to eventually do full time.

But what if I'm wrong... 
_________________________________________


*Name changed to protect the innocent-- and unfortunately she let me pick the pseudonym.


For most posts like this, see The Scale of Opportunity and Guest Post: Freeze Dried.  If you'd like a platform to talk about your experience moving with a significant other, please contact me.

Trailing Spouses, Military Wives and Righteous Indignation

Ask a Manager answered a question from a military spouse today that was VERY pertinent to my interests:

I will be giving my (two week) notice at my job this Friday.  I’m not leaving to take another job.  I’m leaving because the Army is moving us ….. again.  Unfortunately, in order to get the job, I had to fib and tell the bosses that we’d be staying in the area (and would eventually retire here) and I think that’s one of the reasons why they hired me — I said I was sticking around.  Many employers will not hire military spouses if they think they are leaving soon, and the reality is that I usually have to “fib” about how long we’re staying in order to get any job.

Oy! Sound familiar?  This was my go-to excuse for not trying to get out of my current work situation, not wanting to start a job when I knew we might move.  You know who "might" move? Anyone!  I wasted years not letting myself move on, and that totally sucks.  I wish I knew if this lady had a blog, because I'd read the hell out of it.

The commenters on the post chastise her for her "fibbing" and tell her she's an out-right liar.  This got my hackles up immediately.  She can tell the truth and hope she's not dropped for the possibility she may move, she can omit what her spouse does for a living, or she can just stop living her life completely until she drops dead and finally "commits" to a burial plot.

When I asked my HR department whether or not I should tell my boss about J's graduation, we got into a talk about the possibility of relocation if he gets a good job.  I said that was definitely a possibility, but since I have no control over his job prospects, it's hardly fair to judge me for it.  One of the HR crazies even suggested that I let them know about his progress as soon as he gets an interview!  It's like I'd grown a third arm or something, and that third arm was looking for a new job.  Candace at Army Wives Lives answered a similar question to the one above, much more articulately:

Most states do not specifically grant military spouses protection from employment discrimination.  However, you may not discriminate against someone based on marital status.  An employer making inquiries about your marriage for any purpose is simply inappropriate.  They also cannot ask if you are planning to get pregnant and take maternity leave in the near future.

Yes, I do sort of have control over where he gets a job (once he gets an offer) and we are a unit.  I'm stuck to/with him for life, and I'm glad of that, but we are two different people.  I do not want to be thought of in terms of him when looking for a job.  It's enough to pull up roots and move somewhere for someone else, so I found it completely insulting that the commenters at Ask a Manager wouldn't even give her the concession of not offering up conjecture in an interview.

I see it as a bias similar to avoiding women because maybe someday they'll get pregnant and have to take time off.  Planning for the future is a part of being a manager, but there are some assumptions that shouldn't be made, for the dignity of your employee.

So, now I need to go find army spouse blogs, because that is a corner of the internet I never even thought to look in!  If anyone knows a good one, please let me know in the comments.  I'm in a lather right now and will probably have to come back to this later to make it more succinct.

Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiids

Two people have asked me (in just the last three days) if I'm going to have children.  Granted, one was a man from Yemen and one was a nurse, but WTF, mates?  For the latter, I'd gone in for a non-baby prescription refill and a problem with my toenail.  Babies? What?

Having children is something I've thought of. A lot.  I've read lots of books. I read blogs.  I talk to people my age and older who are parents.  I'm not shying away from the subject.  J and I talked about having kids before we decided to get married, and one of the things that attracted me to him was that he would make a really good father*.

My doctor asked me if I was thinking about having kids, and I told her I had an IUD that was good for another three years.  She said, "Well that could be taken out today!" And I replied, "BUT IT'S GOOD FOR FIVE YEARS AND THAT'S WHY I HAD IT PAINFULLY THRUST INTO MY UTERUS."  Ok, I did not all-caps at her, but I was flustered. I gave her my reasons why it's not something I personally wanted to do yet, reasoned arguments about pursuing my interests, spending time with my spouse and keeping my body mine.**  Her response and tone made me gag a little:

"Well, that's just the educated person talking".

Let me remind readers that I work on a college campus and this was the campus clinic.  She went on to say that most parents never crack a book about it and do just fine.  I couldn't shake the feeling that she was on the "Just jump in!" bandwagon.  Regardless of my want for children? Our financial readiness? Lady, love doesn't keep anyone alive. Especially in this economy.  I usually really like this APN, but she sounded judgy and I kept expecting her to say, "You'll change your mind!" which is incredibly rude.  How do you know my mind better than me?  Or worse, what if I change my mind after I have a baby?  No one ever tells a woman who wants kids that she'll regret it one day, that she'll change her mind or that she's selfish. These are common slurs tossed at childfree women.  To pull a comment from Where are the child-free role-molels?"

When I was growing up people kept saying "you'll change your mind". I wonder how many folks ever tell reproduction-inspired young women that they might someday "change their minds".

When I was younger, I never said things like, "I will never have kids", because I realized that I was still turning into the woman I'd become.  Almost 30, I'm pretty sure I'm almost a finished entity. And I'm slowly becoming more interested in spending the rest of my life with J and only J.  If that's what we decide to do, you can bet that I'll be berated but no one will probably question his decision.

No Kidding: On being childfree and really liking kids
A typical dose of judgment in which I wonder if this person is really trying to convince herself.
Why is it selfish to be child-free?
A whole series parodying that selfish "bitch" who chose not to have children!
That really depressing NYTimes article about unhappy parents (does not apply to everyone but gives me pause)
9 Reasons to Have/13 to not

None of what I'm saying is to judge anyone for having kids.  I wish I had a drive to do it, and maybe I will later.  But if I don't, I'd like to live my life happily without anyone telling me what I'm missing.  I already get that from meat-eaters.  All. The. Time.  This subject has just been so front-and-center for me lately.  All my lady-blogs are blowing up with it, people I know, friend's parents. The only person who hasn't really bugged me is my mom***.

*I was shelving books in the Parenting & Childbirth section of my library at the time, so it's not as weird as it sounds.
**I am not saying a pregnant woman or mother does not have bodily autonomy. I am frightened of mother mortality and icky American birth practices/attitudes.
***Who was put on a 5-year grandbaby moratorium the day of my wedding. She has kept her promise.

The scale of opportunity

More blog-searching today (and somehow this is a productive day at work) and I found a "trailing spouse" blog, albeit an expat* one.  She doesn't like the term trailing spouse either**, but her blog is endlessly positive:

As a trailing spouse, identity can be a tough thing (because if you're like me, that last thing you want to be called is a "trailing spouse"). But if the career you had before isn't going to work out abroad (or you lose yours via a layoff like me), maybe there's something else you'd love to do and try. Maybe, in fact, this is your big opportunity for that something you used to put on hold. 

Chantal at One Big Yodel 

I don't want my opportunity, a positive thing, tinged with the fact that I only have it because it's the consolation prize for having no control***.  Here's my internalized misogyny (it's just popping up way too much this week) again, in that I can't see my worth if I didn't come to it myself, as if taking that opportunity is just backsliding into a dependent female role. I don't, however, feel this way when it comes to education.  If J was working and I was going back to school or taking classes in whatever field I settle on, that feels ok. But if it's to start an Etsy or make Halloween costumes (traditionally female pursuits) it's not.  See what I did there?  Thanks world.  You've made me a woman-hater.

How do I cleanse my mind of these tendencies?  I feel fucked all-around.  And I haven't even touched upon the stink of privilege in all this.

*I'm more interested in domestic relocation.
**Yeah, I changed my title again, because no one's going to find this blog otherwise.
***I'm speaking for myself, not Chantal.  She has her shit together.

My Mom: The Original Traveling Spouse

Inside my mother's jewelry box

This is hard to write about: my mom was a traveling spouse once, but I rarely think of her as a reference and I've only talked to her about these issues a few times.  She did a great job raising us and is a fantastic woman, but something in me doesn't want to admit we're in the same situation or want the same things.  I'm sure she didn't appreciate being moved from her friends and family into a shitty small town where she knew no one, but I feel like I've got that pressure plus the pressure to do something with myself despite the tenuousness of my geography.  But damnit, didn't she feel that same pressure?

Why do I have the right to say she's trailing instead of traveling? She probably wouldn't have much of a problem with that term, except for the Human Resource-y nonsense of it, since she knew what she was signing up for getting married in a conservative area in the 70's.  My mom's public and private stance on women's rights is different, but she has unequivocally stated throughout my life that a man is the head of a house, and women should not lead in church congregations.  When I had to interview her for a class project in 7th grade, she said she did not believe in feminism*.

It's hard to reconcile these things when you've known a person to be independent, strong, argumentative and (mostly) pro-choice.  She's worked on and off at different clerical jobs and held volunteer positions on many non-profit boards, but without a good retirement fun from my father, she would be without funds or resume.  I'm not saying she hasn't worked-- she raised two children, very well and keeps a beautiful, comfortable and organized house.  Since my father's quintuple by-pass in 2000, she's been a nurse, dietitian, physical therapist and chef.  She made herself into a fixture of the volunteer community in her town, and it's hard to find someone who doesn't know her (or who hasn't heard of her).

Part of me says, "But she could do all those things anywhere," and another says, "So could you". Yet another part (I'm in lots of pieces today) reminds me that it's hard to leave your community no matter what your job was (at home or out of it).

Readers out there know there's a bit of rebellion in this, or my need to not follow in my mother's footsteps.  Her babying of my father, outright refusal of feminism and the right of women to lead religious services was always baffling to me, she who told me I could be anything I wanted to be.  Except for what caveats?  There's a huge chip on my shoulder, but it's a shared chip with all the other women in my generation.  Do what we want to do, or worry that what we want to do is just a result of society's influence on us? I want to be a mother someday (maybe....) but I don't want to be labeled as a mother.  I want to do it without the resulting diminishment in society's eyes**.

But other than the low worth given to women/mothers by our society, am I attributing negative attributes to motherhood because of my own fraught relationship with my mother?

Stay tuned, kids. This is the first time I've delved into these waters, so I think I should do it a little at a time.
 

*I did not have the vocabulary to argue this at the time, and it would be years before I would call myself a feminist.
**Oh yeah, internalized misogyny checking in.  But you know what I'm saying. This culture does not respect women, and it certainly doesn't respect mothers.

Snowed in with the one I love

Bonnie "Prince" Billy and the Cairo Gang's The Wondershow of the World* is the album I'll be listening to on repeat all day.  I don't usually post about music, because I have no way of explaining why I like a certain song to convince someone to listen to it, but this is one that always makes my heart feel tender.  The line, "Will you love me if I change?" makes me think of Simply Bored's comment in the guest post a few days ago: would we have done the things we say we'd have done if we hadn't made a decision to stick to someone else? What would we find out about ourselves, when we really ask, What would I have accomplished otherwise?  Would I be here, with J, if I'd done the things I convince myself I regret not doing?  Would he still love me, or even have found out he loved me, if I'd gone away and come back a year later.  Who will I be if I decide to start being more honest to myself about what I can achieve?  If I am as successful as my what ifs? will it lead me somewhere that I can't be with him anymore?


Did passing up a good opportunity get me where I am today, and can I admit that giving something up and gaining a wonderful relationship isn't as retrograde as rationality tells me?  Can I not be ashamed to honestly say, If I had gone for it, I would not be here?  Here, where I don't have a career, am not multi-lingual, not fiercely independent, defined somewhat by my relationship?  Where being someone's wife can't be chipped out from what I truly am?  Why is being a woman, in love with a man, caught up in so many feelings of guilt and looked upon with condescension? I can't change the world in that respect, but I can change the way I react to it.  It is so much harder to learn to ignore something, than to rail against it.


With Cornstalks or Among Them


Where were you again tonight? 
(with cornstalks or among them) 
Moonless night my love burned bright. 
(o out among them) 


I'm not impressed by fields of cane. 
Our house is good to me, and plain. 
Happiness can live here still, 
if coming back you only will. 


Or I can fnd you out among 
(o out among them) 
and sleep next to you and hear it sung 
(o out among them). 
I have saved enough that I can go. 
But where to find you, I don't know. 


Please to fnd me, here I am 
(with cornstalks or among them),
 devoured by fields unmade by man 
(o out among them). 
You love me still, although it's strange. 
Will you love me if I change? 


There was one life with you before, 
and one life more, and one life more. 




*Follow the link to all those songs on youtube. If you are similarly snowed in, please listen to some of these songs.  And then if you are really sad on account of it, see him and Zach Galifianakis's version of Can't Tell Me Nothin' by Kanye West.  But don't watch this video until you've listened to some of his music. It is amazing to listen to that beauty and then see that video and wonder, "Who the fuck is this person?"

Future Landlords

I am way more interested in photographing snowflakes.

Did I say our old landlord had already sold our  house? Not so fast.  The paperwork was finally turned in, but filled out incorrectly so it's February 5th and we don't know who to send our rent check to.   Zoinks!  We stopped by our neighbors' house (future landlords, nice people) and got to talk about what a nut the old landlord is, and I got to hold a baby for a while.  I was surprised at how little I minded being plastered with baby spit, or having my nostril yanked.  I think the only reason babies like me is my glasses (also covered in baby spit).

While we were talking to her, the husband was over at our house shoveling the walk from our door to our driveway.  We'd just gotten back from the coffeeshop and had to immediately jump and help (he had brought over an extra shovel).  We hadn't shoveled anything for a few reasons: one, we don't own a snow shovel because this NEVER happens; two, because it keeps snowing and I am not Sisyphus; four, we were getting around fine on the snow, which isn't slippery; and four, if you shovel your own sidewalk, it seems dickish not to keep going and do a whole block.  So, we couldn't tell if he just really likes doing yardwork so much that he crept into our yard, or he was passive-aggressively saying that if we're his tennants, we'd better get on that.  I was leaning towards the first explanation, but it gave J a Manly-Man Responsibility Complex.  He was worried about having our landlords right across the street, "and this is why," he said, referring to the marathon snow-rearranging.

I mean, we don't own a snow shovel, and I really doubt they will require us to go and purchase one when it may not snow like this for another decade.  There's more snow in the forecast, and I'm hoping it will cover up the icy sidewalks that were previously covered in nice, non-slippery snow.

It's kind of cute that J thinks he needs to "man-up" on yardwork when he thinks the landlord is judging him.  So silly.

"A Call to Men" at TED Women preaches to choir

I'd heard about the TED Women conference months ago, and just like our towns Bikes Babes and Bling women-specific bike festival (an analog to the "regular" Bikes, Blues and BBQ), it puts a bad taste in my mouth. There's already TED-- so is regular, default TED mean men? Why can't they just get more female speakers normally? And why do women talking about their lives have to be relegated to their own conference? Men talk about their lives all the time-- but their lives are the norm, of course.

I'll admit, the only video I've watched so far is Tony Porter's "A Call to Men", because it was very front-and-center on the page and I was curious why a man talking about what men should do was so central in this women's ghetto.



Yes, good point, all of them, but what does this guy want? A cookie?  We already know and agree with what he's saying, so is this just masturbatory?  I think this talk would have made a lot more sense and actually done something to further the ideas if he'd done this talk at TED (Men).  This is an example with what's wrong and what TED is refusing to fix: if you set women aside and only have those issues be discussed in that homogeneous audience, the people who need to learn the lesson never hear it.  Porter tells an anecdote about a boy who said if his coach called him a girl, he would be destroyed.  Then Porter goes on to say that if this is how a young man would feel being compared to a woman, what the hell are we teaching them about women?

Well, when you set women aside in their own little TED Women conferences, you're teaching TED Men that women don't deserve to be and talk about themselves in the default setting.

Also, I am not saying that what Porter is saying is wrong.  I like him, I like his stories, and to have him going around talking to young men makes me feel pretty good.  I just think the placement in this already wrong-headed (to me) situation wasn't the right choice.  I guess the one who wants a cookie are the male TED organizers.

Would I ever want to give a talk at TED? OMG yes, if I had anything that awesome to say.  So many intelligent, creative people (PEOPLE, gender-neutral) people speak at those conferences, and it would be an honor.  But I think I'd feel slighted if I was put in TED Women instead just because of my lady-bits. Which, this separation says are not the right bits.

****DO NOT READ THE COMMENTS on this video.  For a talk on discrimination, there is a lot of people practicing it in there.  I'm not familiar with the comments on TED's website, but it looks like they are not a friendly place.

Why does the trailing/ following/ accompanying/ traveling situation even need a name?

Alanpaul*, from the comments of Traveling Spouse!:

I don't see why we can't just say husband or wife. If one spouse works and the other does not in an on-expat setting, they don't need to be differentiated to this degree. 

"Trailing spouse" is absolutely a horrid term.  I've just already renamed my blog twice, and it took me a long time on the internet to even find that one term, so horrid as it is, it's a keyword beacon for other frustrated souls.

I think there's more problems in not naming it.  Before I came across these terms, I felt very alone that had all these thoughts/feelings about my identity if I leave my job/town and go somewhere with my spouse once he gets his post-doc job.  Once I found the term "trailing spouse", even after recoiling at the name, it felt good to know that I wasn't imagining things.  Like when I found out "lie bumps" were just inflamed taste buds, not tongue cancer.

If there's not a word for it, and it's mostly women who are in this position then we're implicitly saying that it's just a normal female role.  "Why give it a name? Isn't that what you're supposed to do?" And even though the "you" in this situation could be male or female, if it was mostly men, there'd be less demeaning name.

Betty Friedan opened the door for a more comprehensive vocabulary about these issues in The Feminine Mystique, where she wrote about "The Problem That Has No Name" (women's ennui with traditional feminine roles).  Hello Feminism!  I can't imagine what it felt like to read those words back in the 60s.  As a twenty-something in 2010, I am conscious of the long road we still have to travel as women, but cannot even pretend to know what it was like for my grandmothers, or my mother.  And I thank them for saving me from those experiences.  And so, when I hear that differentiation isn't necessary, I would rather err on the side of too many names than not enough.

I hope this post doesn't come off as too aggressive, but I am a fan of words, and an obnoxious baby feminist to boot. I'm sure reading one or two posts made that last point obvious.  I still can't believe anyone is even reading this.

*I've linked to a post he wrote about his work/life/marriage situation.  Good to hear from a male perspective on this!  He is now on my blog roll! (and I know he's just thrilled).

Traveling Spouse!

It was staring us in the face!  You're always an accompanying spouse (they are too), a trailing spouse sounds fucking dreary, but if you are going from one place to another, you are a TRAVELING SPOUSE. What bad connotations does that have?  I just started reading Robin Pascoe's Culture Shock this morning, and when she said "traveling wife", it just clicked (after crossing out "wife" and adding in "spouse").

I'm reading the 1992 version, and though there's a 2000 edition, I am still amazed that in this day and age, wives are still the majority in traveling "with".  What is with this frigging world?  I know I'd still have issues with my situation, but if it wasn't so common for the woman to be accompanying, I think I'd feel less neurotic about it.  Let's all take a moment and hope/pray really hard that our children/our friends' children will have to look back on us and wonder why we were all so weird, divided and unequal.  I want them to squint in frustration trying to understand the things we did and the world we had to live through.

But, anyway, I am happy with traveling spouse.  But should we take a poll?  I've added one on the right, so have at it.  Hopefully there are as many readers as there are choices.

Trailer Trash, and a need for better vocabulary

Am I a sidecar?

No, I never liked the term trailing spouse, but I was damned glad to find there was a word for what I was stepping into.  The Smart Expat has a post about a friend who referred to herself as "trailer trash", a cheeky reference to the limiting (and ill-fitting) trailing spouse.   "Accompanying spouse" was suggested, but damn if that doesn't strangle the tongue. It's hard to find a word that properly respects but describes that position. Why is it so hard to make it sound important, necessary and incredibly complicated?  Probably because all the things a TS does in the move is typically considered women's work.  And even though this refers to the complicated business of setting up a new home base, it isn't respected as it should be. (Look at the salaries of child care workers and teachers, and tell me this world ain't a little screwed.)  If crazy people hadn't coined it, I'd say "help meet" was a good term, but it gives me the shivers.

Trailing spouse seems like a grim self-fulfilling prophecy, wherein you start to drag behind and lose your identity because that's what you're calling yourself.  Because your title doesn't imply independence or acknowledge what you do, only what you're following behind.  This is why words are so important.  Words can totally hurt people, or give them the idea that they aren't held to high expectations (I feel this every time someone says "girl" when they mean "woman").

We need something that implies a parallel partnership.  I wish sidecar didn't sound so damn ridiculous, because I kind of love it.

 Les Vins Georges Duboeuf (This is not us)

What will my 2:30 feel like? The second shift and my ABD

I wanted to start this post with a horrible commercial that pops up on Hulu: 5-hour Energy. The "busy moms" version to be specific.  I hate the commercials for obvious reasons (they're commercials) but this one rubs my eyebrows the wrong way.  The woman gets home from work with grocery bags, and says she needs energy for her second job (kids, home, husband).  Her husband has suggested she take energy shots to stay peppy, and we see him sitting on the couch reading the paper (ostensibly after work also?).  Does he have a second job? It doesn't look like it. Why does she have a second job and he's maxin' and relaxin'?

The Husband is thinking about not teaching a class next semester, in order to focus on his thesis.  Excellent! He is ABD (all but dissertation). Though this will be the first time he's ever done this, so I'm horrified at the great expanses of time ahead of him.  Do I love him? Do I admire him? Do I believe in him? Yes, yes and yes. Do I believe he is incredibly susceptible to the call of the internet, Oh Great Time Suck? Big yes.  He is on his laptop from the time he gets up till the time he goes to bed. Now that he has an iPhone, he reads his news in bed*.  I'm looking around on the internet for the program that locks you out of your favorite sites for blocks of time, but I can't summon the proper keywords. Hell, I could use it too.

WARNING: Rant alert!

He wastes so much time on the internet! He claims he is looking at his RSS to see if jobs have popped up, but it really looks like he's reading the Times or webcomics or some other completely non-job/science related piece of animated cat crap**.  On the days where I can fully take care of the house and he can go off and focus solely on his work, I still have to shove him out of the house and tell him to stop reading LifeHacker.  And he acts hurt when I do this.  The truth is, he has tried to blame me for him not getting enough work done, and I say BULLSHIT to that.  That has hurt my feelings more than anything he has ever done to me.***  So when I make him breakfast, tell him I'll take care of things at home, even sometimes offer to make him a little lunch so he doesn't have to interrupt his writing and he is still futzing on the internet and acting slighted when I tell him he really needs to get going, it drives me insane.  I start thinking I am overreacting. When really I just want to get the hell out of this town, my shitty job, and any chance he has to think that I am the one who is holding all this up.  Hello? I'm holding someone's life up? I'm in the way? Oh no you didn't.

/end rant

Him not teaching means no income on his side.  He has considerable savings, so we won't go poor, but I'll still be the only one bringing in income.  He'll be completely at his own leisure to get things done, and I'll still be working my two jobs and shouldered with the responsibility for income.  He'll be sipping coffee all day and I'll still be coming home to cleaning.  I'm getting upset just writing about this.

I need to talk to him. Like, tonight. We need to figure out how long he can do this. I'm saying a semester, and then we'd better be out of here.  He'll need to make hours for himself, and he will need to make a schedule for working and not surf.  He doesn't need to make our living room couch his office, because that is my space too.  If he is working, he needs to be somewhere he can close a door.  If he is not working, he needs to spend less time on the internet in the first place.  Mostly because if he is not working, he really should be helping out around the house more.

For myself, I am going to stop using the internet so much at home. I'm going to clear a space for my laptop, put it there and turn it off.  We are eating at the table, no more struggling to find something good to watch during meals and settling with Running Wilde. That's a really terrible show, which is a shame.  I need to re-direct the white-hot ire I am feeling right now from my husband (who really is my favorite person in the world) to the internet.  So I don't go home and smash his computer and lock him in a room.

I am going to get a drink first, though.

*Not allowed to use the iPhone in bed unless we're doing something together. It's distracting for me to have that stuff in the bedroom. It's where I sleep!
**Ok, I love that stuff. But in its place.
***He never hurts my feelings, so I guess it's not really that bad.

In which I try to explain my ire

The emphasis on women following men really gets under my skin, and that's the majority of these articles I'm compiling. I guess I'm rankled in general about how un-unique my situation is, and if it wasn't so common, maybe I'd feel differently and would have better/different resources. How can I properly articulate this?

I am a person. I'm nearing 30, with a degree, a good job (but not necessarily a career yet) and a spouse. I like my house and my town.  I like to cook and ride my bike.

But since I'm a female person, my resources and advice aren't the same as a man. And there really isn't as much to tell a man (sorry dudes, that really is the short end of the stick) because it's mostly women following men to a new place.  And there really isn't that much of an infrastructure to counsel us, because it's just expected that we follow.  So what's the fuss?

I have a fuss!  This isn't easy.  I'm not just following blythely. I'm not even following completely happily. There should be books on this, obvious answers/counsel.  But there's not, and it's because of shitty expectations. 

If this is a post-feminist world, then I'm Shirley Maclaine*.

*Maybe in another life?

Who am I? How do I live?

I usually skip over feminism topics that include the word "anarchy", but this one really made me think in terms of how I saw myself in a relationship, especially when discussing control issues.  Feminism and Anarchy, a guest post on the From Austin to A&M blog, talks about the gentle coercion that happens in even the best relationships between men and women:

 Power makes property out of its object, and, in our society, women are still claimed every day without irony. As much as the poor are demonized and brushed aside, women are just as keenly judged, sought out, or pushed aside as either necessary, desirable, or neither. The laborer seeks out an equal contract with an employer with just as much disillusionment as a woman that seeks out an equal understanding with a potential partner. Regardless of each entity's mien, once behind closed doors, gentle social manipulation turns into emotional and physical coercion. Companies and employers are no more gentle with their workers than are men and women that have "won their prize" and then seek to use it for their lifelong benefit without equal consideration.

I am absolutely not saying I am a victim of physic or emotional coercion by my spouse.  He's fucking fantastic.  But do I sometimes get the niggling feeling that we both have subconscious leanings towards certain thoughts and behaviors that make true equality impossible? Yes.  That's the "gentle social manipulation" that makes me more likely to clean things up and him more likely to sit on the couch surfing on his computer while I run around.  But I can't fight it and sit down too. I'm programmed for service, in a way. And that's fucking weird.  Does he take advantage of that?  I don't think he does consciously.  But he also hasn't changed his patterns much after many many talks about equity in duties at home. 

That has changed, but not at a rate you'd expect when you tell someone that it gives you major emotional pain to think of yourself as a housewife.  Identity problems.  Depression.  I am too quick to get back in line and start the cycle all over again after these conversations, because I was raised to do all these things.  And he was raised not to see a problem.

I want to make all of this right now, when we're still on equal footing in a town we've lived in for a while.  I don't want these issues to be extra weight when we're moving to wherever he gets a job after school. To the place where I might not have a job yet, no friends, no identity.  It's going to be more important than ever.