Job available-- but am I?

A job I may be quite qualified came open this week.  It pays substantially more and would involve more projects and public relations, and is at my current institution.  Should I apply knowing there's a chance that J might get a job soon?

But haven't I been asking myself that for the past three years?  I have held myself back in my current job by riding my hopes on another person.  And now that it (J's job) may actually happen soon, there's this job. That I would be silly not to go for.

But once again, I will have to bite my tongue and let another opportunity  pass away.  Who knows when J will get a job?   He will be graduating mid-May, but so far we have no bites.  I say "we", but it's starting to grate on me*.  I don't have anything to do with this.  I am completely at the whim of someone else's career.

It's not a good time to be angry, but I am.  I am my own person and I am good at my job, but I am losing myself in his job search.  Even at work, now that my boss knows he's graduating, it is assumed that we're leaving and I'm being treated differently.  I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS. This would have been easier if he wasn't a student, and I wouldn't have had to tell anyone what was happening.  But with working with faculty... they were going to find out.  Now I'm awash in uncertainty not only in my own mind, but coming from those around me.

So, how can I apply for this job and still feel honest?  I don't want to not try, and then six months down the road J still doesn't have a job.  A month ago that thought wouldn't' have even crossed my mind, but who are we kidding?  The economy sucks and no one has contacted him about any of his applications.  It doesn't matter how talented/skilled/educated you are right now.  We could be looking at a long, dark haul.

Can anyone understand why trying to get a new job, especially in the same institution, would be a bad idea right now?  Even if I got it, if we had to move less than a year later, I would be leaving a bad reputation at a place I would have been remembered fondly, if only I hadn't wasted their time.  Plus, it's probably gotten around that J is graduating, so they won't even consider me.  Who would?  I wouldn't.

It's an endless fucking cycle of self-effacement, obnoxious martyrdom and failure.  Failure before I can even try.  I am just so tired of waiting.

*J isn't grating on me. He is wonderful and supportive and working really hard.

Flowers and shit

Have you ever looked at a  purple dead-nettle flower* up close? They look like crazy mini orchids.  This was as good as my little point-n-shoot camera could do with its macro lens, but it's still pretty neat.

We got a little down at the beginning of the week.  Google was really good about doing things quickly, and J found out he didn't get the job the day after he interviewed.  It was a relief really, since he'd had to neglect his dissertation and other job applications while that broo-ha-ha was going on.  It was a really good experience, and he'll be so much more prepared for subsequent interviews.

As for me, I am trying not to make much out of it.  Yeah, I got pretty down for a few days, but that doesn't help anybody.  The no-control feeling came back and I was like a robot.  A badly-worded text from my mother made me start crying.  I have painted my nails pink and dedicated myself to finishing two sculptures for an upcoming art show (I have never been in an art show, so I am submitting them for approval).  I've also got Chris Clanton on board for taking some profesh photos of the cactus hat this weekend.

So, my first commission is done, and I may have a second on the line.  Another acquaintance wants me to make centerpieces for her wedding.  That sounds like something I would very much like to do, but she is still planning what her theme will be.

*I had to do some image searching, as I kept calling this a clover flower. 28 years and I never knew what this common little flower was called.  There's also the Henbit Dead-nettle, which looks almost the same except the leaves are stuck directly on the steam, so they look a little more lanky.

One Interview Down

J looked utterly frazzled when I got home.  He had stuffed his brain for weeks, and now it had all spilled out.  He looked simultaneously at peace and completely nuts.

The interview went well, he knew he'd made mistakes but seemed pretty optimistic.  We should know something in the next week, but until then J's got to work on this dissertation and put in more applications.  I don't mean to keep saying this because I don't believe in him, but I really do believe that even getting this far is a real accomplishment.  Like really big.  Just like when I wrote that every rejection letter is at least a step forward, this is the same. Plus, Google is huge and everyone wants to work there.  If you've made it this far up the interview process, you're already a good fit, now it's culling applicants down to a manageable number.  If you get culled, you can rest assured it's just numbers or they didn't like your handshake.

As for me, I told my boss about J's graduation, which she definitely saw coming (she knew he was a PhD student when I interviewed).  Well, it's been four years since his Master's graduation, so here we are.  It was scary telling her, but Human Resources had my back and it was decided that not telling was a lie of omission. Why is it scary? Because it's pretty obvious that when he gets his big ol' degree, he's going to look for a big ol' job.  And, statistically speaking, there more jobs outside of Arkansas than in.  My boss immediately made that connection (or had been waiting to voice it) and I handled it gracefully.  Seriously, it is a weird situation when you're not the one who is looking for a job.  But I feel like telling her about his graduation is like handing in my [X]-week's notice for a job I'm not even applying for.  I am afraid I'll be treated like I've given my notice already, and in some offices that isn't a pleasant place to be.

This is one of those situations where not having control makes things rather sticky.  I told her last week, but so far things are good.

J. finds an outlet!

Cardamom-apple pancakes with rosewater syrup

Last month, J. and our good neighbor Tuna (also a grad student) decided to have food and movie nights with friends, where they competed with their culinary skills on a specific theme or food.   They want to do a blog, too, where they post pictures of the food and review the movies.  Last week (the second event) was a bread contest, and we watched The Holy Mountain (1973).  The bread (a simple whole wheat boule from J. and a rococo pesto loaf from Tuna) was absolutely delicious.  And the movie didn't make anyone run screaming from the room.  Though it's really just a snacks sort of event, everyone who has come has brought a dish, so it turns into a stone soup/Jesus and the loaves kind of thing.  So nice!

Pesto bread in foreground, J's boule to the left, gulab at the top, and a green bean dish by a Turkish friend that tastes very much like you'd get it in the South!

Other than futzing with his bike, this is J's only organized activity.  And as much as I complain about having to forcibly eject him from the house to go work sometimes, he really needs something that has nothing to do with work.  Both he and Tuna are haggard grad students, so they have that bond as well as friendship.  Though they call it a competition, there's nothing like that going on.  No stress, no winners, no rules.  Just food and good times.

Gulab jamun- fried dough in syrup, from India

I made a batch of galub jamun from a packet, and made the syrup myself.  The dough was not the tastiest part about the dish, but I think the syrup turned out well.  So well, we used the leftovers the next day to pour on our pancakes (highly recommended recipe).

On a whim Monday, I checked the academic and public libraries for the towns J's applied in, and actually found some openings.  They weren't ideal, but I am confident that I can eventually turn a part time job into full-time once I prove myself. Economy be damned!*  To show I was being super positive (I'm still making up for my attitude from the past) I sent J an email with the links.  His response was that he wasn't feeling very positive about his current applications because no one was responding to his last email.  It's the beginning of the semester, so I think it's just people being busy.  I hated to hear him sounding sad, and I really didn't mean to exacerbate that with my email.  He's one of the most responsible, level-headed people I know, so sometimes it's hard to remember that he's feeling uncertain and scared, too.

*Please don't ruin my delusions.

"I need to pin my hope to something new"

The Spouse heard back about his first application today: thanks, but no thanks.  In a way, this feels even better, because having applied and been rejected, he's already experienced two of the major parts of looking for a job.  Now it won't seem to scary.  He didn't seem to hurt about it, but I'll admit I felt a little sad.

But also sad because that means he doesn't have any feelers out right now.  I do NOT want to wheedle him, but I can't help but ask every few days about the application to NewTownX.  Today I asked him how long it would take to complete it, and he said not much time.  So do it!  Though that How to Help Your Spouse Finish a PhD Degree Quickly article was a little silly, it certainly stressed that it's not really nagging if you're nice about it, becasue it's your damn life, too.  Somtimes it seems the opposite of nagging is what's called for, but that opposite is self-effacement and the bottling up of your own desires.  That is just as bad in the long run.

So, I told him I was glad I knew, and that it had really made a change in my happiness (for the better) when he finally applied for something.  I also told him now that it's been rejected, he needs to get the other application in.  I told him I need to pin my hopes to something new, and that I know an application doesn't equal a job. But it means he's working at it, and really that's all I need right now.