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How long does it take for a school to tell you that you are/are not what they are looking for? I guess it's only been a few weeks, but I'm dyin'.  And the (only) other application he's been talking about isn't due for over a month. I spoke with him about sending emails to schools who are doing research in his area, but he's so reluctant.  I told him it can't hurt-- looking a little desperate for a job (and I do NOT think this looks desperate) especially in this economy can not possibly count against anyone. Especially in his field.  This isn't a cool contest.  I read some stuff about waiting for openings vs. cold-calling on the PhD Comics forum and sent the thread to him.  It didn't really move him.  Which aggitated me a little.

He is, fortunately, staying at work later. I know, a PhD who you have to cry to get them to spend time IN their office? Maybe I'm lucky.  It's kind of cute* that he thinks he's putting me out by spending time in the office, because I really do think he believes all the little time we spend together is important.

My job at the university is heavily affected by the return of the students, and I'm in full-time grimace mode right now.  At least it gives me more to do (the doldrums of this summer were driving me bonkers).

*It puts me out, though, to think that every sci-fi episode we watch at night is one more 44-minute chunk of life we could have been closer to moving on.  I am afraid to do the math.


p.s. I do not hate my dog. But I come close. She looks like this poor little guy:

One more thing to worry about

Here is where I lose what few readers I have. I have a dog.  But I do not want to own a dog.

We got the dog when there were more people who pledged to take care of it. They left, now we're left with a dog who looks cute but has so many social/emotional problems and seemingly small physical problems that add up to a whole lotta money.  I know I'd never be able to forgive myself for taking an animal back to the shelter (even after almost 5 years!) but the husband loves it so, so, so much.  The dog reminds me often that I am not sure I want children.

How does this have to do with the blog? Other than sharing a "whining" tag? Like an infant, the dog has killed our nightlife, weekend trips, day trips, everything.  We have very few people who can watch the dog because it has so many things that may go wrong, and we can't afford to board too much.  I've always wanted a fence to leave the dog in (and maybe a hole in the fence? with a trail of cheese leading far, far away?) but we thought we wouldn't be around very long.  And building a fence is a committment! And then winter would approach, so what was the point of building it now? And another 6 months would pass, and we'd still be shackled to man's best friend.  This was not my best friend.

There was a nice day in spring, a neighbor had some fencing material, and over a period of a week, we got a makeshift fence up.  I was elated.  We could leave the house for more than three hours.  My husband wouldn't be shackled to the couch to do his research. Maybe we could save the money we spent each week for her "social day" at the dog place.  I thought maybe we could have the romantic little day trips we used to enjoy so much when we first got together. 

But she was itchy, so the vet gave her a shot and I spent a day mowing, clearing brush, spraying the yard, etc.  Still itchy. More baths, more shots, now some antibiotics, more spraying, more trips to Lowe's for pesticides (that I NEVER in my life thought I would buy), more bald spots and infections.

So, I'm looking forward to going home to the new bald spot and constantly scratching dog, and in a few days I'll probably have to take her to the vet after work and drop $60 on a visit and some pills. Should I buy some more pesticide to spray? Or should I just tear down the fence with my bare hands and have a breakdown?

[UPDATE] I have taken a deep breath, and am looking forward to my sewing class.  It's all I can do.

"I think you'll really love NewTownX"

Yesterday, after too much time by myself in my dismal job, and too much time spent navel-gazing, I had a serious case of the blues as I walked home. I got in the door, saw my husband sleeping on the couch (when I left, he was sleeping in the bed) and went straight to the bedroom and got in my cocoon. By the time he woke up and realized I'd gotten home, I couldn't even verbalize why I was so sad.

I just told him I was sad, and I needed some love and attention. Not in a guilting kind of way, just being honest. He cuddled me for a while, until I could start to make words. Anxiety, identity, it all came out in civil words for once. I asked him if he had any other applications he was planning on sending in. He told me about a job in NewTownX.

The title of the post is the first thing he said about it, before he even described the job. He said I'd love it, and got on Google Maps to show me where it was, and how far away from places I was familiar with. He's been there before for a summer job, so he knows the good stuff and some of the bad.

We spent the night eating pizza and cuddling into each other as hard as a human can cuddle. He explained the job to me, and we looked at the website. I felt tired from so much worry, and though he hasn't actually applied yet, the plan gives me some relief.

In the spirit of Asking Questions, I asked how many postdocs he thought he'd do before trying to land a tenure track (TT) position.  He said, hopefully one, maybe two.  I asked him if he'd kindly move his mobile office (on the couch) back into his actual office.  He said he would, but when I get home today we'll see.  It's for the best, and will help my sanity to have a place to sit, but it's an ugly couch and he makes the sight of it more bearable.

This in place of the teary rant I was writing earlier.

Thank you, PhD comics.

Spending too much time reading while my boss is gone gave me time to take a wrong turn into Sad-town.  I started to write about how I didn't see the harried, never-at-home academic in my own spouse: I often saw procrastination and time wasted on the internet that could have gone towards one of the joyful things they we dont' do anymore so he can "focus".  I'm glad it was lunch, because I had to off-load a few tears.  Some old frustrations came up in that, and one new one I'd say to him if it didn't sound so mean: when you waste your time, you're wasting my time.  I'm going to try to let this comic make me feel better.

Linkage!

I tried out the venues suggested on Notorious PhD, and I've listed them in my resources section:

Love and Academia on Livejournal: not updated very often, and mostly from the academic's side, but could be helpful.

PhD Comics Forum: There's a lot here. The Vortex seems to be the specific area for my concerns, but I'm still digging through it.  It's very upbeat!

Current Status: OK

I started a sewing class on Monday, so I am officially on my way to learning a skill that will make me useful and perhaps someday be a job/creativity outlet.  And since tailors exist everywhere, I can easily carry this on my back to Whereverland.

The spouse seems pretty happy right now, and not as stressed.  Getting that application in definitely gave him some renewed confidence.  He gets down this time of year because his advisor goes on a long vacation, and he often feels like he can't move forward as fast as he'd like. 

On the depression/anxiety front, I've decided to increase my dosage (doc says it's alright). This is good, since I hurt my knee and can't go running.  I don't know how long that will last, but after only a few days my body issues (which are rare) have come back.  I don't think about that stuff when I can go out a few times a week and run around.  But I feel really even, and I asked the spouse if he'd noticed any change in my temperment, and said I'd been really even.  Maybe it's the medication, or maybe it's my attempts at productivity/meaning.  I'm not going to test either one, but just be happy about it.

A friend is taking the GRE in 6 weeks, and I've decided to join her for that.  I don't have any plans for grad school currently, but it would be a good thing to get out of the way, and an accomplishment that could help my self-esteem.

Being selfish is helping me.  I'm filling my space and trying not to say "I'm sorry" so much.

Don't be afraid to ask questions

Fear of asking questions/fear of knowing the answer is probably my biggest fault, but it's a victimless crime.  If you don't ask, no one can say no-- this cowardly philosophy has been at the center of some of the worst stories in my life.  I get upset sometimes when I see how many years I've put my life on hold for my spouse, like it was some great secret that a PhD is a drawn-out process.  I never would just straight-out ask, "How many years do you think this will take?" "Have you actually applied for any jobs yet?"

Sometimes I'm afraid to ask a question because someone may have already told me the answer, but I've forgotten.

But today, after fruitless searching for blogs to reassure or guide me, I was still finding nada.  It's still all academic couples and moms.  No offense to either group, but that's not the voice I need-- at least not right now.  I started following a few blogs that are written by post-doc scientists, mostly women, to see if I could glean anything from that perspective.  For science, feminism, and ladies round-about my age who are kicking ass in real careers, and role models, this list has been great:

Academic Jungle
The Adventures of Notorious PhD, Girl Scholar
Canadian GirlPostdoc in America
Female Science Professor
Liberal Arts  Lady
The Two Body Problem

I emailed the Notorious PhD and asked a question: have you heard of anyone out there like me, and do they have a blog?  I felt a little forward doing that, but it's not like I was going to run into her at a party and be embarrassed.  Later in the day, I saw a new post from that blog show up in my RSS, and it was my letter!

Notorious herself didn't have any ideas, but she posed the question for her readers, and there was a good response.  People wanted to know where my blog was!  I got my question answered, and I won't lie and say I wasn't excited that someone besides me could be reading my posts.

I haven't had a chance yet to look through the suggestions, but I'll post about them once I do.  This was a good day.  One said that maybe I couldn't find the right stuff because I wasn't technically a trailing spouse yet.  (An issue of not having the right vocabulary-- or maybe it doesn't exist?)

p.s. A well-known librarian, who I work with, let me know he would give me his full support if I wanted to go to library school, and he would write me a rec letter.  That made me feel genuinely good, and I tried to take the comment without effacing myself.  I just wish that people believing in me equalled me believing in myself.  I'm getting there.

In which I try to explain my ire

The emphasis on women following men really gets under my skin, and that's the majority of these articles I'm compiling. I guess I'm rankled in general about how un-unique my situation is, and if it wasn't so common, maybe I'd feel differently and would have better/different resources. How can I properly articulate this?

I am a person. I'm nearing 30, with a degree, a good job (but not necessarily a career yet) and a spouse. I like my house and my town.  I like to cook and ride my bike.

But since I'm a female person, my resources and advice aren't the same as a man. And there really isn't as much to tell a man (sorry dudes, that really is the short end of the stick) because it's mostly women following men to a new place.  And there really isn't that much of an infrastructure to counsel us, because it's just expected that we follow.  So what's the fuss?

I have a fuss!  This isn't easy.  I'm not just following blythely. I'm not even following completely happily. There should be books on this, obvious answers/counsel.  But there's not, and it's because of shitty expectations. 

If this is a post-feminist world, then I'm Shirley Maclaine*.

*Maybe in another life?

Sad little links

Most of the blogs and articles written about my situation are about two-career spouses or one-income households.  We're neither!  But every thing I find that might shed light into this life change, I'll post here.  I'll also keep these articles linked in the sidebar.

Moving Cross-Country for Spouse's Job - Any Regrets?

How to find a job in Switzerland - Advice from a trailing spouse (we aren't going to Switzerland, but anything helps)

Supporting a Spouse or Partner who has moved for your career

And this article, "Should you move for love?" is in most ways ridiculous, but brings up something that makes me feel good:

How will you like your new location?- Whether married or single, this is a big question that many women don’t spend enough time considering. They learn all about their man’s new job, they learn about schools for the kids, but they never take a look at how they will like their new location. This is a big reasons why so many women are ready to pack their bags a year or two after a move. Whether it is landing your dream job, taking classes or joining a social group, you need to have a plan for how you will adjust once the moving dust has settled. If the area that you are considering does not seem to offer any of the things that will make you happy, then you either need to look harder or reconsider moving before you agree to go.

What I've been trying to do with my journaling, classes and new friends is ground myself, in a place where I'm already quite grounded. But as these things are new*, I'm preparing myself to do it again, for real**, in a new and unexplored place.

*I used to journal like crazy, but stopped when I met my to-be husband and my life settled down from the crazy paliatives of my early 20s. Made for interesting writing, though.

**I don't mean my new friends aren't made in earnest, but when I move, I can't just be lazy and rely on who I already know. I won't know anyone.  I made these friends because I genuinely enjoy their company and am glad I know them.  I may have to hang with people who I don't really line up with, until I can make some connections.

Ways to get by

don't want to use this blog as a platform to complain about my job, but dang. [redacted].  Instead, I will use this negative to come up with the first item on my list of Ways I Get By.

1) People being unreasonable at work?   Call them out on it. Nicely. When they say something that doesn't make sense? Ask questions until they realize they are acting loony and emotional and stop the bad behavior.  This worked today, and I felt pretty proud of myself.  The hope of moving on has given me some courage.

2) Throw yourself headfirst into a new hobby.  I have chosen sewing, and am going to start a class on Monday.  I know people in the local fashion world, so I've called on them for advice.

3) Make new friends.  I've made two new friends in the past 6 months that I hang out with at least once a week. Once a week means a lot to me, because everyone is so busy these days. I felt apathetic about meeting new people during my "We're just going to move as soon as something good happens so why even try waaaaaah" phase.  This didn't help things. 

4) Relax. I am not really good at this, but I'm making a point of being selfish and sitting on the couch to read while the spouse does house things.  I used to think if I sat down, not as much would get done, but now I don't care as much.  If I relax, I'm happier.  If I'm happier, I don't feel like I have to have an iron fist around the house.

5) Remember that the spouse is amazing and you love him/her.  Being sweet to someone makes you feel good.  And then they're sweet back.  And then you remember that though life seems like a huge stressor, at the middle of it all (well, from your perspective) is you and him.

6) Exercise.  Yeah, that sucks right now, but you know you always feel better when it's done. But yeah, lots of suckage.

Flowers help, also penpals, walks with no purpose and beers.

Beers!/Cheers!


(There's no read video, but good song)