Eff this anonymity noise. I'm Amy.

In one of my first posts, I wrote

"In a new place, my social contacts will, at first, be primarily people I meet through him.  I am sure these will be nice people.  ....Who will I be introduced to now?  I'll just need to introduce myself."

Who was I kidding? I can't imagine meeting people this way.   I've made a plan to go to a karaoke bar within one week of moving into town and sing something horribly dramatic and thus cement my new identity.  Then I will sign up for a book club at the library, chat up people in grocery store lines, and THEN I'll meet up with whoever is assigned to show me around.  People, I am not demur.

My name is Amy, I work in a library, and I live in Arkansas.  Margarita at Global Coach Center suggested I look at the pros and cons of my need for anonymity, and the more I thought about keeping something that has become so important to me from my spouse, I started to feel downright guilty!  I share every success with him, so it felt pretty weird not to tell him about my blog.

Tonight, after we got back from our Thanksgiving with his parents, and maybe after too many truthful discussions on the ride back, I told him I needed to tell him a secret.  He looked a little frightened, but let out a sigh when I told him I had an anonymous blog where I kvetched about work problems and tried to sort though my issues with moving.  I asked him, "Haven't you noticed me being secretive about my internet activities?" and he said he just thought I was writing emails.  Such a trusting spouse! Good thing he's a physicist and not a detective.

I told him I'm going to go back through my posts and make sure I didn't say anything I'd regret.  Though I try to make this a constructive space, I have had some bad days.  He says he doesn't have to know the name of my blog, and he won't read it if I don't want him to.  That kind of attitude and trust makes me feel comfortable letting him.  I really am so, so lucky.

Some details may have to be edited to protect my husband's job prospects, but I'm looking forward sharing some more specific details than I have in the past.  I can finally post pictures of the awesome costumes we made at Halloween, and I won't have to worry about "getting found out". It really was kind of self-centered to think that in the entire internet, without actually knowing I was writing, he would stumble upon this and say, "What the heck??"

So, thanks to everyone who is reading and commenting, and I hope the addition of more specific details about my life will be helpful and not obnoxious.

Why does the trailing/ following/ accompanying/ traveling situation even need a name?

Alanpaul*, from the comments of Traveling Spouse!:

I don't see why we can't just say husband or wife. If one spouse works and the other does not in an on-expat setting, they don't need to be differentiated to this degree. 

"Trailing spouse" is absolutely a horrid term.  I've just already renamed my blog twice, and it took me a long time on the internet to even find that one term, so horrid as it is, it's a keyword beacon for other frustrated souls.

I think there's more problems in not naming it.  Before I came across these terms, I felt very alone that had all these thoughts/feelings about my identity if I leave my job/town and go somewhere with my spouse once he gets his post-doc job.  Once I found the term "trailing spouse", even after recoiling at the name, it felt good to know that I wasn't imagining things.  Like when I found out "lie bumps" were just inflamed taste buds, not tongue cancer.

If there's not a word for it, and it's mostly women who are in this position then we're implicitly saying that it's just a normal female role.  "Why give it a name? Isn't that what you're supposed to do?" And even though the "you" in this situation could be male or female, if it was mostly men, there'd be less demeaning name.

Betty Friedan opened the door for a more comprehensive vocabulary about these issues in The Feminine Mystique, where she wrote about "The Problem That Has No Name" (women's ennui with traditional feminine roles).  Hello Feminism!  I can't imagine what it felt like to read those words back in the 60s.  As a twenty-something in 2010, I am conscious of the long road we still have to travel as women, but cannot even pretend to know what it was like for my grandmothers, or my mother.  And I thank them for saving me from those experiences.  And so, when I hear that differentiation isn't necessary, I would rather err on the side of too many names than not enough.

I hope this post doesn't come off as too aggressive, but I am a fan of words, and an obnoxious baby feminist to boot. I'm sure reading one or two posts made that last point obvious.  I still can't believe anyone is even reading this.

*I've linked to a post he wrote about his work/life/marriage situation.  Good to hear from a male perspective on this!  He is now on my blog roll! (and I know he's just thrilled).

How secret are my confessions?

This is a problem I'm sure all anonymous bloggers have: how anonymous am I? Who is that I don't want reading this?  Am I writing something I should be ashamed of if caught?

In my case, I would not like my husband reading this.  The anonymity makes it easier for me to get my feelings out.  Plus, since my name is not associated with the writing, I can use this as a therapeutic tool and not worry about the quality of the writing as much.  Attaching my name would give me instant writer's block.

In the beginning, when I was getting my head together and figuring out this new vocabulary, I said negative things about our situation.  But I also mention frequently that my husband is my best friend and a fantastic person. This blog is my outlet, and it keeps me from being mean to him when I'm feeling down.  So, does that cancel out the meanness in my posts?

I'd be heartbroken if he found this and felt bad (especially over issues we've worked through).  People have started commenting, and I feel like this blog may be accomplishing its purpose-- I wish I could tell him about it!  On some down days, people's comments have really perked me up and made me feel like, at least online, I am a positive force.  But I can't just say, "Hey, I started a blog, you can't read it, but it's a good thing".  It's natural to have some little secrets for yourself, but that's an implicit rule.  It defeats the purpose to tell your significant other, "I have a big secret I can't tell you!" and leave it.  

But it is also hard to keep it anonymous.  I do things I'm proud of, that I'd like to include in my blog.  I write about possibly losing my identity? I can't even talk about that identity!  I'm afraid he'll connect me to this, or vice versa.  Luckily, he hasn't seemed to interested in "trailing spouse" issues or reading any of Robin Pascoe's books (though I've suggested he might peruse one)*.  I started finding resources for this blog by reading lots of new scientist blogs, and we've started to overlap a little on that.  But what are the odds?

Other anonymous bloggers who came out, what made you finally do it?  

Deep down, I don't want to keep this a secret from him. Truthfully, I'd like secrets a whole lot better if you didn't have to keep them to yourself.  I'm not terribly mysterious.

*Why am I always reading little books here and there about relationship issues and he isn't? Blargh.

Holiday!

I have to work tomorrow, but the boss won't be there, so I'll be working.  No, seriously, I will be able to get  some good work done without lots of people and hostility to distract me.  And some friends have promised to come by and be silly.

We just had drinks and holiday snacks with friends at a bar, and I'm nicely lubed for the fall break.  I'm slugging water right now in an attempt to not be damaged for work tomorrow.  I can hear my husband in the back yard playing with the dogs and finalizing food plans on the phone with his mom.  It's not too cold here, we got a little tiny (real) Christmas tree, and things seem really good.  I'm gonna finish this water and pack a little bag for our trip.  I am genuinely happy.

My boss may be cursing out loud in her office, but we've got a holiday coming up, and my husband is officially done with research and in THESIS MODE!!!1!!!!!1111!!!! :)))))))))))  He will be writing, not doing any crazy new things for his advisor, just working on getting done!



But hopefully, he is not feeling like this:

PhD Comics

Address change?

I'm thinking about changing my blog url to travelingspouseconfessions.blogspot.com, but I don't know if that'll mess things up. Anyone else have experience changing their blogger address? What precautions should I take?

Is this a lady problem?

You know you have a problem, but no words to describe it.  Time goes by, and you tell yourself it's all in your head.  Then, when someone else says they have the same problem, thus validating it, you feel better! The problem is still there, but now you know you're not crazy.  This is for all the commenters who have assured me I"m not crazy. And I do feel a whole lot better.

Now I just need to find more blogs about domestic movers!  If I drop everything to follow my husband to Iowa, it's not quite the same as going to Borneo or something. At least with an international move, I'll have an air of worldliness and perhaps a new language.  No offense to Iowa, but you understand?  You take away the glamor of international travel (yeah, yeah, I'm reading all about that glamor) and it's just me schlepping around without a job.  Help prove me wrong! Where are you guys?

Traveling Spouse!

It was staring us in the face!  You're always an accompanying spouse (they are too), a trailing spouse sounds fucking dreary, but if you are going from one place to another, you are a TRAVELING SPOUSE. What bad connotations does that have?  I just started reading Robin Pascoe's Culture Shock this morning, and when she said "traveling wife", it just clicked (after crossing out "wife" and adding in "spouse").

I'm reading the 1992 version, and though there's a 2000 edition, I am still amazed that in this day and age, wives are still the majority in traveling "with".  What is with this frigging world?  I know I'd still have issues with my situation, but if it wasn't so common for the woman to be accompanying, I think I'd feel less neurotic about it.  Let's all take a moment and hope/pray really hard that our children/our friends' children will have to look back on us and wonder why we were all so weird, divided and unequal.  I want them to squint in frustration trying to understand the things we did and the world we had to live through.

But, anyway, I am happy with traveling spouse.  But should we take a poll?  I've added one on the right, so have at it.  Hopefully there are as many readers as there are choices.

Unspecific Saturday

I wish I could write about the specifics of my incredibly productive Saturday, but that'd be writing my full name.  Let's just say it was the good kind of cooking (fun stuff) and the good kind of cleaning (re-arranging, pitching).  Sadly, the week did not end with any letters written, so I was a little more irked than usual when the husband piddled on the internet this morning.  I tried to prod him out the door and got the usual, "But I want to spend this time with you!"  I told him he was spending time with his RSS feed, and to scoot.  Luckily, he's been gone for hours, I've gotten lots done, and we have definite plans tonight with no end-time.

I got really sad one day last week, trying to get a friend to do something with me, but everyone was busy.  I get sad about this sometimes and have to remind myself that adult life just doesn't include as much free time.  But what really got me a little choked up was how hard it would be to find someone to do things with when I knew nobody.  I know everyone here, I know where everything is.  I get huge satisfaction in being a sometimes-maven and always knowing where someone can get anything.  I'm a connector.  I will lose all of that soon.  Meaning, if I'm not careful, I could lose my identity.

Too melodramatic?

Trailing Spouse: This article has multiple issues.

A friend sent this to me recently. Har, har.