J's been thinking about the possibility of moving his attention to industry or government jobs instead of academia. There's lots of good reasons for this, and most of them mean that things will be better for me (except for the possible cheap tuition), but I got incredibly freaked out. He says there's no way he wouldn't finish his PhD (too damn close) but the seemingly sudden change from life in academia to "What would it be like to work at Mac?" at first seemed like an odd lapse of attention.
We had a friend who got married. Less than a year later that friend decided he was gay. That freaked me out too, because nobody had any idea! These things coming out of nowhere, when you think you really know somebody, things that change the game plan, this is the feeling I got. The, I-can't-control-anything feeling. So, even though Industry gives us better options, I couldn't shake the feeling there had been a bait-and-switch. Why had I been waiting around all during grad school?
There wasn't really a fight, just me wailing and throwing out some tired whining about tying myself to someone and following for the rest of my life (yeah, find an answer in there that you can live with). If Industry is such an option, why was this the first time we'd talked about it?
It also made me realize that a lot of things I get angry about, information I was never given, wasn't necessarily information he had at the time. When we got married, he never thought it would take him over six years to get a PhD. All the sweet things he told me, he really believed. It was my fault for believing it and not doing my research. I also realized that I am SO LUCKY that I didn't have the drive to go to grad school. I'm not that guy.
Ugh, cans of worms over here. Lots of love and devotion, but a whole lotta worms.
Happy Valentine's Eve!
[UPDATE: I just wanted to make sure that the anecdote about the friend coming out was not to say that coming out is horrible, but the situation was an unnerving surprise. Everyone wants the one they love to be truly happy, but my heart breaks for her every time I think about it. It's hard not to think about how I would feel in that situation.]