A job I may be quite qualified came open this week. It pays substantially more and would involve more projects and public relations, and is at my current institution. Should I apply knowing there's a chance that J might get a job soon?
But haven't I been asking myself that for the past three years? I have held myself back in my current job by riding my hopes on another person. And now that it (J's job) may actually happen soon, there's this job. That I would be silly not to go for.
But once again, I will have to bite my tongue and let another opportunity pass away. Who knows when J will get a job? He will be graduating mid-May, but so far we have no bites. I say "we", but it's starting to grate on me*. I don't have anything to do with this. I am completely at the whim of someone else's career.
It's not a good time to be angry, but I am. I am my own person and I am good at my job, but I am losing myself in his job search. Even at work, now that my boss knows he's graduating, it is assumed that we're leaving and I'm being treated differently. I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS. This would have been easier if he wasn't a student, and I wouldn't have had to tell anyone what was happening. But with working with faculty... they were going to find out. Now I'm awash in uncertainty not only in my own mind, but coming from those around me.
So, how can I apply for this job and still feel honest? I don't want to not try, and then six months down the road J still doesn't have a job. A month ago that thought wouldn't' have even crossed my mind, but who are we kidding? The economy sucks and no one has contacted him about any of his applications. It doesn't matter how talented/skilled/educated you are right now. We could be looking at a long, dark haul.
Can anyone understand why trying to get a new job, especially in the same institution, would be a bad idea right now? Even if I got it, if we had to move less than a year later, I would be leaving a bad reputation at a place I would have been remembered fondly, if only I hadn't wasted their time. Plus, it's probably gotten around that J is graduating, so they won't even consider me. Who would? I wouldn't.
It's an endless fucking cycle of self-effacement, obnoxious martyrdom and failure. Failure before I can even try. I am just so tired of waiting.
*J isn't grating on me. He is wonderful and supportive and working really hard.